Gee-Gees football team replaced with 12 giant pandas
In a startling, albeit strategic move, Richard Benson, head coach of the University of Ottawa’s men’s football team elected to field 12 panda bears in this year’s edition of the annual Panda Game against Carleton University.
According to Benson, this was an innovative move to snap a three year losing streak.
“When the U of O’s athletic director told me I was fired if I didn’t win this year I knew I had to do something drastic,” said Benson. “That’s when I remembered my buddy Donnie has some connections on the Chinese black market. I gave him a call and bing bang boom, I had 12 pandas ready to go”.
The lethargic animals began the game as expected, and the Carleton Ravens had no problem evading the slow moving herbivores for a touchdown off the opening kickoff. However, the disparities began to show on the first drive as Carleton pressured the Gee-Gees pandas, resulting in what Carleton’s head coach Franklin Queek dubbed a “bloodbath”.
“Everyone in the league knows these antics are right up Benson’s alley,” said Queek. “Let us not forget his other morbid, yet adequately themed game when he fielded a hundred bees as head coach of the Concordia Stingers while knowing the opposing quarterback was allergic.”
The game, however, was abruptly stopped by Ottawa Police after only seven minutes of play, in an attempt to prevent what they described as a “clear threat to public safety”. After all, several players had been absolutely mauled, with 10 taken to the hospital.
Despite the glaring danger posed by these wild animals, no students showed any sign of concern. In fact, the atmosphere among the crowd was quite the opposite. “Man, we’re dominating this year!” slurred fourth-year U of O economics student Chris Stevens.
At one point during the game the Gee-Gees side of the stadium began cheering “No mercy!”, paired with Snapchats singing along to “Panda” by Desiigner.
Perhaps the most shocking reaction to the day’s events was the complete lack of regret shown by Coach Benson. “ I would do it again, 100 per cent,” he said.When pressed about whether or not he regretted the injuries to the Ravens’ players, the forfeit, or the seven season suspension for the U of O, all he could say was, “I was told to stop Carleton and it seems like I did just that”.
All in all, the Gee-Gees made mistakes this year, hurting their opponents in the process. Despite some people labeling the coach’s decisions as “dangerous,” “irresponsible,” and “outright reckless endangerment,” the Tomato applauds Coach Benson for defying the conventional.
