The Tomato

Students are burning all their university documents. Photo: CC, maciej326, 472301. Edits: Christine Wang.

Reduced energy costs mean lower tuition for future students

The City of Ottawa is always looking for new ways to be more environmentally friendly. One of its most recent initiatives involves burning canine feces to provide energy to the city. Many residents, including students at the University of Ottawa, have applauded the endeavour, and are using it as inspiration to find other alternative fuel sources.

Students have now discovered that they have no use for their diplomas following graduation, so they have decided to burn them, providing the university with a seemingly sustainable source of energy.

This act has been seen as selfless, allowing recent graduates to create a better environment for future generations of students. “We didn’t want new students to be affected financially by the university’s energy costs, so hopefully burning our diplomas can help lower their tuition,” said U of O alum Juan Chasteen.

According to the university administration, alumni who donate their diplomas will have their names on display on a plaque in the University Centre, for all students to admire. “I think this is an amazing use for our pointless diplomas, instead of just letting them sit  in our houses collecting dust,” said Faculty of Sciences valedictorian Bernie Ellumie. “Now they can be put to use, fueling the university for the new students to come; besides, what would we do with them anyway?”

This novel solution to the school’s energy needs has opened up the possibility of even more ways to fuel the university. Students are now offering up their course syllabi, old assignments, awards, essays, and other documents provided by the university to be used as energy. The university has announced they will soon be hosting weekly events where they collect all the papers and documents from the students who wish to contribute to this new fuel plan.

This new source of energy is evidently creating a better environment for U of O students, and so all students are encouraged to donate whatever they can to contribute to the cause. Students may drop off any documents to academic offices on campus if they wish to contribute to the new system.