The Tomato

Photo: Eric Davidson.

Shortly after the news that campus station would close for the last three days of exams came a not-so-shocking announcement from university administration.  In a press conference about the closure the university admitted they have been actively trying to make students’ lives miserable and more difficult for the past few years as part of a pilot project.

“We just wanted to make students’ lives more difficult by throwing as many obstacles as possible in their way, so that we can produce the best students possible,” said president Allan Rock.

The surprise decision was followed by the news that other policies to be implemented on campus, which the university claims are part of their “Student Obstacles” program.

Some of the changes will include eliminating the sale of caffeinated beverages on campus, putting snow chains up outside of all buildings so that students can only enter and exit through one door, and intentionally creating ice patches throughout campus for students to slip on.

“We believe it’s our job to create the strongest, most well-rounded students possible, and sometimes that means making life as difficult for you all as we can,” said Rock.

Students who frequent the campus libraries were dismayed to discover this past week that the new program requires that loud music is played constantly on all  floors. “If I wanted to be surrounded by noise when I study, I’d just go to the fifth floor,” said second-year English student Gunther Murdock. “Now its like that on every floor.”

“Students have long suspected that making students’ lives more difficult was part of the university’s unofficial mandate—why else would Rabaska be so hard to use and what else could explain the near-constant uoZone crashes? This just confirms what we’ve all been thinking,” said third-year chemistry student Rachel Crawford, shortly before slipping on a patch of ice.

The university has also begun randomly turning the power on and off throughout buildings on campus, just to keep students on their feet, and focused on more important things than charging laptops at school.

“Yes, the power thing affects staff as well as students. Why would you even be asking me that?” said one angry professor in SITE, just before ducking into his office to turn on a small generator.