Nation’s capital defies meteorology, soothsayers, and pleas to ancient gods
The Weather Network has officially announced that it will give up on trying to cover Ottawa.
“We’ve tried our hardest to predict the weather in this fine city, but it’s time to throw in the towel,” said Patrick Graham, a spokesperson for the Weather Network.
During Graham’s press conference outside of City Hall, the freezing February wind came to a halt and the temperature soared to around 10 °C. According to some onlookers, it almost appeared like the ancient weather gods were relishing in their triumph over mere mortals.
Graham went on to say that Environment Canada had tried every available option to nail down those pesky Ottawa temperatures.
“We started with the usual mathematical models, but it was clear early on that that wasn’t going to work,” he said. “Then we got creative, analyzing tea leaves, hiring a soothsayer, and praying to the Greek god Apollo—but nothing worked.”
“We even tried a rain dance once,” he added sheepishly.
Graham’s press conference came to an abrupt end when he was struck in the face with a volley of hail five minutes later. He was heard muttering “curse you, Ottawa,” as he was rushed off to hospital.
“Let’s be honest, not much will change now that the Weather Network has abandoned us,” said Ottawa resident Thomas Bilton. “Are any of us surprised when the weather shifts from frosty to tropical over the span of our lunch break?”
Head of the Weather Network, Mateo Rologist, could not be reached for comment. Sources say he’s been rocking slowly back and forth for the past week whispering “they’ve broken it.”
“I think it adds character to the city,” said Betty Kelly, a denizen of downtown Ottawa. “I mean, where else do you have days in February that feel warmer than some days in September?”
The City of Ottawa has also been embracing the new “anything goes” weather forecasts. Last week it advertised the canal as “Canada’s longest skating rink … or swimming pool. Depends on the day really.”
Throughout the month of February, the City has also warmly welcomed visitors to “Winterlude/ Waterlude maybe,” where guests can expect “beautiful ice sculptures or, if you’re lucky, dazzling puddles.”
Organizers are staying proactive, prompting tourists to “dress warmly to stave off frostbite. But you should also be ready to cast off your winter clothing to avoid heatstroke.”
Mayor Jim Watson is trying to use Ottawa’s infamous weather to boost the city’s image. His stated goal is to turn Ottawa from “the city that fun forgot,” into “the city that took down the Weather Network.”
Graham said that this setback will let the Weather Network focus on other important projects.
“The extra time and resources will allow us to more accurately predict the one sunny day in Vancouver this year.”
