Dear Ty

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Dear Di,

I have an absolutely amazing relationship with my girlfriend of three years, except for one thing—she is physically unable to have sex. This was fine at the start, but it slowly got harder and harder. We do other things, but no penetration, which I have been craving more and more.

Am I a horrible person for wanting this so badly? How can I go about fulfilling my needs and maintaining my otherwise perfect relationship? I would never cheat, but should I ask her to consider threesomes or unemotional on-the-side sex, or do I just abstain completely?

Please help—I really don’t know what to do.

—Eternally Faithful

Dear EF,

Your situation is a stumper! It sounds to me like your girl might be affected by vaginismus, which causes total closure of the vaginal opening, making penetration impossible. The condition can be treatable; you should definitely talk to her about seeing a doctor.

My second suggestion to you is to sit back and relax a little. A sexual relationship does not need traditional intercourse to be fulfilling—just ask any gay or lesbian couple. A prick and a pussy are a match made in heaven, but there are other ways your sex life can reach nirvana. You say you enjoy other sexual acts, but still feel that something’s missing. If it’s intimacy you’re craving, try standing face to face while manually getting each other off—the eye contact and kissing are sure to please. If it’s the variety of positions and thrill of trying new things that you’re missing, try anal in new positions, from doggy style to reverse cowgirl, or try oral and manual stimulation in the shower or on the couch when your roommates are out for the evening. Positive that it’s just the feeling of a vag you want? Buy a Fleshlight.

As for threesomes or sex on the side sans feelings—make sure that’s what both you and your girlfriend want before diving in. While I’m all for a delightful ménage à trois, it’s not okay to pressure your love to make it happen. Given that she’s the one dealing with the physiological problem, she probably feels frustrated enough as it is about being unable to please you. If she gives in to a threesome or a casual sex partner for you out of guilt, she’ll be sure to start resenting you, and things will go south. That being said, if it’s something you and your gal agree on, go for it! Keep the lines of communication open, find a willing participant, and get your dick wet. Just make sure you don’t forget about your girl’s needs while you’re out satisfying your own.

Finally, with medical advancements being made left, right, and centre, you can hope that a painless pussy procedure will become available soon and that one day you’ll be able to enjoy your sweetheart to her very core!



Dear Di,

I’m into popping cherries, and I’m thrilled about all the new pussies that’ll be on campus this year. Question: Is there a way to make sure the girl doesn’t bleed? Can I shove a tampon up there before I go for it? I don’t want to have to clean my sheets on the regular—laundry’s expensive, yo.

—Broke-Ass Stud


Dear BAS,

Well, if you haven’t figured out by now that the best bet is to put down a towel and hope for the best, you probably haven’t popped as many cherries as you’d like me to think, and you’re as dumb as you sound. Using a tampon during sex is dangerous—they should only be used as intended when Aunt Flow’s visiting, never during sex. Not only would you be putting her at risk of toxic shock syndrome, but the dry chafing would be super uncomfortable for both your wiener and her hot dog bun.

It’s common courtesy to wash your sheets between babes—but maybe if you don’t, some of the girls will be able to smell your latest debacle and will get out of there fast. Sigh—I can only hope. Finally, if you’re gonna be a douche, at least be a safe douche. Use protection.


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