Dear Ty

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Dear Di,
My boyfriend made me a cake for my birthday and he put his ejaculate in the mixture. The cake tasted amazing and it led me to start fantasizing about what it would be like to eat cake out of his ass. What are the logistics of putting dessert in someone’s rectum and eating it?    

                                                                                                                                                                               —Let Me Eat Cake

Dear LMEC,
I commend you for thinking outside the Betty Crocker box, but I think there are safer ways to satisfy your sweet tooth in bed. Munching through layers of cake and cream to find a sweet butt hole in the centre is great in theory but practically speaking, you could be setting your boy up for some big back door dilemmas.

Food can make for a fantastic fuck toy, but it’s difficult to introduce icing into your genitals without also introducing infection. Sugary substances tend to promote the growth of bacteria and yeast in warm, moist environments, so as far as an asshole is concerned, cake is public enemy number one.  You also run the risk of pushing the dessert too far into your man’s poop tube—just imagine how unpleasant his next trip to the toilet would be.

While I don’t think it’s wise to stuff your man’s starfish with sugar, I’m not suggesting you wipe your idea entirely.  By all means, bring the cake into the bedroom—just avoid putting it directly in your boy’s buttocks. Why not transform his sweet cheeks into a dinner tray and eat the cake right off his backside? You could also cover his chest and inner thighs with icing and lick to your heart’s content.

If you’re willing to fine-tune your fantasy, I don’t see any reason why you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

Dear Di,
My boyfriend recently asked me if we could dress up as Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger in bed. I have nothing against role play, but aren’t the Harry Potter books written about kids and young teenagers? It makes me uncomfortable to think my man fantasizes about a preteen. Am I being unreasonable here?

—Not a Teenage Witch

Dear NTW,
Your concerns certainly aren’t unfounded, but I must admit I think you’re jumping to conclusions. Hermione Granger may be young, but I’m inclined to believe your boyfriend’s desire to see you dressed up as a naughty Gryffinwhore is not related to the character’s age, but rather to what she represents for him.

Chances are your guy grew up enthralled by the magical world that is the Harry Potter series. He probably wished for his Hogwarts acceptance letter to arrive via owl and spent hours imagining what life would be like alongside his fictional heroes. Now, as a horny young buck, his childhood fantasies have morphed into something sexual in nature—but not pedophilic.
Don’t take my word for it though—why not ask your boyfriend what attracts him to the idea of Hogwarts-style humping? Although I can’t say for certain, I’m willing to bet he’ll tell you he’s simply attracted to the idea of getting it on in a magical universe that he considers an exciting, scary, and tantalizing place.

Even if your randy Ron Weasley wannabe confirms my suspicions, don’t forget you’re under no obligation to leave the Muggle world behind. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t participate in anything sexual that makes you uncomfortable. I do, however, encourage you to hear your dude out and keep an open mind. Who knows? You might just enjoy having your wizard’s wand work a little magic in your chamber of secrets.