Dear Di,
I’m a gay man who came out of the closet at eight years old, so imagine my surprise when I started a new job one month ago and promptly became sexually infatuated with one of my female co-workers. I have never been attracted to a woman, so I’m really confused and I think something might be wrong with me. I don’t want to be straight at all, yet I can’t help but wonder if I should explore these feelings. On the off chance something happens between my co-worker and me, can you tell me what to do with a vagina?
—Gay Man in Straight Man’s Land
Dear GMSML,
Never fear, pseudo-doctor Di Daniels is here! My diagnosis? You’re completely normal. Breathe a sigh of relief and relax. Almost everyone experiences something that makes them question their sexuality, if even for a moment. You’re not the first gay guy to grow a little hard at the sight of a sexy lady, nor will you be the last.
I am a firm believer that human sexuality is never a black and white subject. For many people, sexuality is fluid, or malleable at the very least. Sure, you’ve been drinking the homo milk for as long as you can remember, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you happen to feel the urge to sample some other flavours.
If you do decide to taste test some vagina, your best bet is to ask the owner of said vagina what she likes done to it. A few key things to remember: The clitoris is located at the top of the lady taco. It’s uber sensitive, so make no direct contact with the love nub until your woman is sufficiently warmed up.
To stimulate a girl’s G-spot, put two fingers inside her and make a “come hither” motion. Otherwise, let your lady lead and trust your own instincts. Don’t beat yourself up if something goes wrong; after all, you’re navigating unchartered waters.
Maybe you’re bisexual, maybe there’s just something special about this particular gal, or maybe you’ll look back at the situation next year and laugh. Regardless of what happens, stay calm, follow your gut, and rest assured you’re perfectly and wonderfully normal.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I have a third nipple and it’s ruining my sex life. I’ve always been really self-conscious about it and now I’m finding it difficult to enjoy sex because I’m so worried the girl will notice. Do some girls like guys with extra nipples?
—Nipple Nightmare
Dear NN,
While I must admit I’ve never met a lady who explicitly admitted to having a nip fetish, I don’t doubt she exists. You could scour planet Earth trying to track her down or you could square your shoulders, look at your bare chest in the mirror, and come to terms with your triple nipple.
I don’t have any supernumerary fun knobs myself, but experience tells me they aren’t all that uncommon and are usually indistinguishable from the average mole. I don’t mean to downplay your dilemma, but I must ask: Have any of your bedmates ever actually identified your nipple as such? Or do you simply live in fear it might happen?
If my suspicions are correct, you’re the only person who’s ever given a flying fuck about your extra abdomen accessory. When the lights are dimmed—the clothes are off and the temperature’s rising—no lady is going to spare a second thought on your slight skin protrusion.
I should mention you and your nipple are in quite good company, as many successful and sexy celebrities are also card-carrying members of the triple nipple club. The chests of Carrie Underwood, Mark Wahlberg, and Lily Allen are all allegedly adorned with a third teat.
The bottom line is this: A little extra nip never hurt anyone. Almost everyone has a body hang-up of some kind. Relax, focus on your pleasure and that of your partner, and forget about it. It’s like I always say: Good things come in threes.
Love,
Di
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