Dear Ty

Dear Di,
I am a PhD student in my sixties and am doing my best not to be perceived as a dirty old man, but I just don’t know how to behave around younger female students. I’m looking for a real relationship full of romance and eroticism, but I need some advice about what is socially acceptable in regards to approaching younger women.

—Still Sexy at 60

Dear SSS,

While I don’t doubt you’re still sexy at 60, I must admit you may have a tough time convincing a 20-year-old to share the sentiment. I’ve met many ladies who lust after a lovemaking session with an older man, but realistically speaking, you’re relatively the same age as many students’ grandparents. Do you stand a chance with younger chicks? Certainly, but snagging one who’s looking for the same things you are won’t be easy.

In all honesty, I suggest you set your sights on some of the slightly older singletons on campus. Not only will you have more in common with a mature student, but it’ll be much easier to approach a sophisticated woman than a girl who lives in residence with a roommate.

If you’re hell-bent on bending over a younger woman, why not look online? Setting up an online dating profile that indicates your interest in a younger crowd will afford ladies the opportunity to approach you, thus saving you from coming across as a “dirty old man” hitting on girls.

If you do decide to give online dating a whirl, I must warn you of one thing: Many of the responses you receive will likely be from people searching for a sugar daddy, not a real relationship. Bear that in mind as you chat with potential dates.
Do I think it’s time you switched gears from college girls to golden girls? Not necessarily, but I do believe you’ll have to tread very lightly if you want to successfully introduce your cock to a spring chicken.

Love,
Di

 

Dear Di,
I am so turned on by scat porn and I’ve always been attracted to the smell of my own shit. I fantasize about taking a dump on my boyfriend’s chest, but I don’t know how he would react. How should I broach the topic with my man?    

—All Shit, All the Time

Dear ASAT,

All aboard the Cleveland Steamer! It sounds like you’re ready to swab the poop deck, but your boyfriend might not be there yet. What’s a feces fanatic to do?

I suggest you start by pulling out the poo porn. Tell your boyfriend you’d like to watch an X-rated movie with him, and choose a film that features a bit of scat play. Gauge your Romeo’s reaction during the scenes that involve shit. If he seems down with the brown dumplings, consider sharing your fantasy with him.

If you’re of the bold and brave variety, you could always look your boy in the eye and say, “Baby, I love you, and I want to take a steaming shit on your chest.” Who knows? Maybe he’ll be so turned on by your straightforward approach that he’ll rip his shirt off right then and there.

Regardless of how you choose to tell your dude, keep in mind there’s a chance he may be entirely uninterested in the idea. If this is the case, you’ll have to decide if you can do without or if you’d rather move on to a manure-loving man.

If your boy does decide he’d like to make your feces fantasy a reality, I urge you protect yourselves adequately. As I’m sure you’re well aware, poop is chock full of bacteria, so don’t let it get anywhere near your genitals, mouth, or eyes.

I wish you the best of luck on your quest to have a shitty time in bed!

Love,
Di