Dear Di,
I’m a lesbian who has been in a committed relationship since high school. My girlfriend I’m with now is the only person, male or female, I’ve ever been with physically. Someone asked me the other day when I lost my virginity. Without even thinking about it I told them the first time was with my girlfriend and they said it doesn’t really count because there was no penetration. Do I have to be with a man to really lose my virginity? All of a sudden I feel a bit uncertain and wrong about the ways things went.
—Virgin?
Dear V,
I think it’s safe to say you encountered quite the ignorant individual. What we do in our private lives is ours to know, no one else’s.
Virginity is a subject I get asked about a lot since, as people get more and more progressive and liberal in their sexual behaviour and preferences, the term is becoming less and less defined, which makes me incredibly excited.
If you’re gay, straight, or anything in between and you’ve had sex with your tongue, fingers, toys, butt, vagina, or penis, you’ve lost your virginity. If anyone thinks they’ve had their first sexual experience, that’s when that moment happened.
I appreciate people’s choice to maintain an abstinent lifestyle and am by no means trying to discredit this option, but I think the idea of “losing” our virginity the first time we have sex is detrimental to establishing a healthy, sex-positive society. By having sex we are participating in an activity completely common and necessary to human existence. It’s not a loss to have sex for the first time, but a gain because of the new experience. This could be part of the reason you feel wrong about your first sexual experience, especially since someone tried to make you believe it wasn’t a real “first time.”
So, dear Virgin?, take the question mark out of your name and keep your memories of your first time with your girlfriend close to your heart. Don’t fall prey to those who want you to stifle your own sexual expression and experiences.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
My partner and I have been tossing around ideas to spice up our sex life. We’re thinking group sex might be something we’re interested in attempting. Do you have any tips about getting started and on how to do it safely?
—Trying it Out
Dear TIO,
You’re interested in becoming a groupie? Way to go! Though group sex and orgies often seem intimidating, they’re an interesting experience that can easily become a couple’s favourite fucking pastime.
Entering the world of group sex can be tricky. It’s generally not as simple as shouting out in the street that you’re looking for a great orgy. And if it does end up being that easy — more people are down to group than you’d assume — there’s the issue of safety.
Fetlife.com is a social media site that can connect you with Ottawans who participate in group sex activities, and groups that take part in a wide variety of other fetish activities as well. You’ll find group events and folks interested in orgies who are willing and able to give you some tips and tricks on getting involved with these types of gatherings.
Though the website has a lot to offer, safety should definitely be considered. Ask if you and your partner can meet up with a few attendees prior to an event to ensure you know who you’ll soon be getting to know a lot better. Also, always make sure you attend these events with your partner. You’re safer if you go to a new place with someone you know and with whom you feel secure.
To get a feel for the group sex scene, you might want to try an event where you can watch from the sidelines to get a handle on how it works. Generally orgies are “jump right in” events, but that doesn’t mean you have to right away. Stick to what you and your partner feel comfortable with and your new sexploration is sure to be a success.
Love,
Di
