Dear Di,
My boyfriend and I have been having sex for seven out of the nine months that we’ve been dating, but I have been using a vibrator for much longer than that. I always successfully have an orgasm when I use a vibrator, but when I have sex, I just can’t get the same satisfaction. Is this normal?
—Good Vibrations
Dear GV,
It’s totally normal! Vibrators offer intense, consistent stimulation that a finger, mouth, or penis just can’t match. When a person is used to getting off only via battery-operated machinery, other options can feel lacklustre, meaning they won’t likely lead to an explosive climax. In fact, studies have shown that sex (I’m talking about P-in-V sex) is the least reliable way for women to reach orgasm. But what’s a girl to do once she’s trained herself on the pulsing bullet? It’ll take time and patience, but you can learn how to orgasm sans your favourite sex toy.
Start by focusing on achieving orgasm by yourself; this way you take the pressure off your partner to suddenly satisfy you completely. This will allow you to explore what you like the most, and you’ll get the chance to reconnect with some fantasies. When using a vibrator it’s easy to become lazy about stimulating your imagination, since the machine’s doing all the heavy lifting. Turn yourself on with erotica, porn, a strip-tease courtesy of your beau—whatever gets you hot!
Teasing yourself with solo sessions where you only use your hands will help you wean yourself off of vibrator-only orgasms. Masturbate in different locations, at different times of the day, with different mental stimulation. Explore what gets you close to the big finale. Of course, it would be cruel and unusual to deprive yourself if you find that you’re unable to reach your peak without some good vibrations, so don’t feel you need to stop using a vibrator at all times. A girl’s gotta orgasm!
It will take time and patience, but if you keep at it, the day will come when you’re able to orgasm using nothing but your natural talents. Then it’s just a matter of using the vibrator less and less, and your hands more and more. With your boyfriend, start experimenting with positions that allow you to control the depth and style of the sex; get on top of him and grind your clit against his pubic bone. Some women find that penetration alone doesn’t give them the stimulation they need to reach their peak—for plenty of ladies, though, oral sex is the solution! Let his tongue get you off before you get to the main act, then enjoy the sex for the good feelings and the connection you have with your man.
Another option is to introduce your vibe into your lovemaking sessions. Some guys might be intimidated, but if you bring in just a small bullet and promise him that it’ll enhance the experience, you might be able to have your cake and eat it too.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I know you do sex and relationship questions, and I have one that covers both. I’ve been with my partner for two years, and since the beginning I’ve been open to him about my desire for him to spank me, tie me up, perhaps get a little kinkier with leather and whips. To be fair, he’s always been open with me about his reluctance to do these kinds of acts. He told me he would need a bit of time to get used to it. I believe him, because it’s been two years and after about a year he became willing to occasionally spank me. It’s now part of our regular repertoire, which makes me a happy guy.
But I still want more. Is it too much to ask to be strapped to the bed and jerked off? Is it unreasonable to want to wear leather cuffs? He is absolutely worth the wait—totally cute, we click emotionally, and I’m definitely in love. I just wish we could deviate further from the vanilla sex we enjoy together. Do you have any ideas about how to make my fantasies less off-putting for him, or should I just cut my ties?
—Boyfriend Won’t Tie Me Up
Dear BWTMU,
It sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a great, albeit vanilla, guy! I definitely recommend sticking it out. Are you aware that there are ways you can outsource your kinky desires, right here in Ottawa? Provided your boyfriend’s okay with it, you can find someone to indulge in your desires fairly easily—just search online for someone looking for a bondage buddy. You can also get tied up by a woman, such as a dominatrix. There won’t be any sex involved in these encounters, but you can use the memories of struggling against bondages to fuel fantasies when you’re having tamer sex later.
On the other hand, you can take your man’s word for it when he says he’s working on getting used to your fetishes. The more you two fall in love, the more willing you both may become to step out of your own comfort zones. Don’t pressure him, but give him the occasional reminder that you’re looking forward to exploring your kinks with him!
Love,
Di
