Dear Di,
I recently found out that my boyfriend went to a strip club. I’m upset that he lied to me about it, as he had said he was going to a movie with his friends. But we’ve talked about why he lied; he said it was because his friends told him that I wouldn’t be okay with him going. I know that’s a stupid reason to lie, but I’ve moved past it; I mean, let’s face it, I’ve told a few white lies to protect him, too. My problem now is that he wanted to go to a strip club at all. I’ve never been to one, but I can’t understand why he would want to. Is there something wrong with my body or the sex we have? I feel bad that I couldn’t satisfy him and he felt the need to go see naked ladies somewhere else. I’m hurt and mad, and I feel guilty that I feel this way. Why can’t I just be a cool girlfriend who doesn’t lose her self-esteem when her boyfriend wants to go to a strip club?
—Guilty Girl
Dear GG,
You have no reason to feel guilty about the way you feel. Your boyfriend lied to you and did something that hurt you—you’re well within your rights to be angry and upset. I know you said you’re over the fact that your man lied to you, but let me address that first. Relationships—good ones at least—are based on mutual respect and strong communication, not lies and deceit. Before you try moving past this, just be sure that you two have that. If your guy is willing to lie about going to see naked ladies dance, what else would he be willing to lie about if the boys told him to? Just some food for thought.
Now we can get to the real questions. Just because your gentleman friend ended up in a gentlemen’s club doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Plenty of people want to go to strip clubs simply because they get to see naked ladies dance. It’s similar to wanting to go to the movies to be entertained. Strip clubs, though, are more taboo than the movies. They’re sexy, they’re an escape, they’re a thrilling place to have a beer with friends. Chances are very low that he’s going to Barfeax because he’s unsatisfied with what the two of you have got going on. It’s more likely just a chance to blow off some steam with his pals in a provocative setting. Would you be upset to find out your stud muffin watches porn? Cause chances are he does—and strip clubs are just a more expensive, fancy, real-life version of porn.
Why not just ask him why he went? If he is unsatisfied with your sex life, it’s high time the two of you had a conversation to figure out how you can both get more out of your time together in the bedroom. But, I highly doubt he’s got any problems at all with your bod or your boudoir abilities.
The problem comes in the fact that he knew you weren’t okay with him going, but he lied to you and went anyways. Some people couldn’] care less if their partners occasionally hit up the titty bar, and that’s fine. But different people have different limitations. If you knew your man wasn’t okay with you grinding on other men when you go out with the girls on Friday night, would you? Because he did something similar by knowingly partaking in activities you were uncomfortable with.
I think you and Mr. Zanzabar need to have an honest conversation. You need to explain what your limits are and why you were hurt by his actions. He needs to make a decision about whether or not he thinks your requests and reactions are reasonable. If he still feels a strong need to go out and watch the women do dirty things on stage, you two might not be compatible. If he understands and respects your boundaries, you guys should be able to move past this incident. In my opinion, he sounds a little sketchy, but I wish you the best of luck figuring everything out!
Love,
Di
