Dear Di,
A few weeks ago, I was enjoying girl-on-top with my man when he told me it just wasn’t doing it for him. He said it nicely and everything, but it was clear from his flaccid penis that he definitely didn’t like it. Since then we’ve done that position only once more and it seemed to go fine, but I felt super uneasy about how I looked and how I moved. Now I’m just too afraid to take control even though I really enjoyed being on top. I worry about his satisfaction, or lack thereof. Help, Di! Will I ever reclaim my former confident, sexy self?
—Bad In Bed
Dear BIB,
There’s a lot going on in your situation—let me address your concerns one at a time. First, it’s awesome that you seem to have an open line of communication with your guy and that he felt comfortable enough to tell you when the sex wasn’t working for him. How much worse would you feel if you only found out later that your guy had been faking enjoyment but was actually cringing inside?
Second, your dip in confidence is understandable, but why let an isolated incident get your panties in a knot when you could be getting them wet instead? Your man clearly enjoys most sex with you, and if he didn’t say anything the second time you took control, you’re probably good to go. If you’re still hesitant, there are plenty of ways to calm your nerves.
Try asking him what in particular made his dick shrivel. Maybe there’s something specific about the move he doesn’t enjoy. If he’s vague or just says he doesn’t like it, you may be out of luck—not everyone likes all positions. On the other hand, if it’s one of your faves, try to find a way to make it work. When you’re on top, you control the angle and depth of penetration. You’re more likely to be grinding your hips to get some clit action, which stimulates his penis less intensely than in-and-out positions do. If he’s used to being on top or doing doggy-style, girl-on-top just might not be enough action to keep his soldier standing at attention.
That being said, a girl’s gotta have her love button taken care of. There are a couple of ways you can boost the action in the moment to make sure he loves it as much as you do. Reach behind you and cup his family jewels while you’re going at it, spin around for some reverse cowgirl, or blindfold him so he pays more attention to the sensations going on down below.
So get back on that horse, cowgirl, and ride him till the sun comes up. It shouldn’t be long before you’re galloping toward sexual confidence.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
I’m a first-year student studying at the U of O. I’m gay, and have come out to my friends and family back home. Here in university, though, I don’t want to be known as the gay one among my new friends. Is it okay to keep it a secret?
—Jumping Back Into The Closet
Dear JBITC,
Your sexuality is your business and yours alone. It is absolutely up to you when, how, why, and even if you tell people about your orientation. Of course, keeping it a secret will definitely make it harder for your friends to set you up on appropriate blind dates.
That being said, there’s nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and announcing it to the world! You write about not wanting to be known or defined as a certain stereotype. This is totally understandable—nobody wants to be a token gay, or token anything else, but in university people are more open minded and less likely to pigeonhole you than they may have been in high school.
Sure, if you’re just starting to make friends, it makes sense that the first personal detail you dish isn’t your sexual preference. My hope for you, though, is that you’ll make friends who like you for you and who won’t change their opinion of you once/if they find out your orientation—basically I hope you meet nice people.
Once you become closer to the people you meet, do you feel as though there will still be more holding you back from opening up? If you need an extra hand, the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa’s Pride Centre was established to provide a safe, comfortable, non-judgmental, and positive environment for LGBT students. They offer plenty of services: you can drop in to hang out, get paired with a buddy, get referrals to other student services, or just rant a bit and have someone listen to you.
I hope you will find a community at the U of O that is just as accepting and supportive as the one back home. You can keep your secret as long as you like, but hopefully you will soon find people who deserve to hear it.
Love,
Di
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