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Illustration: Rame Abdulkader.

What is that? WHAT is THAT? Don’t touch it. Don’t touch IT. Sarah, I swear to GOD don’t do it—EW. I just had to, I had to know what it feels like. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life! Oh, it’s just used gum. Okay, okay, okay, okay. DON’T panic. Whatever you do. I’m having heart palpitations—WHY is my heart beating so fast? Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in! Jesus, I’m never doing this again. How long have I been in here? Do you think people have noticed how long I’ve been in here? OK—check the time and make sure to check back in five-minute intervals. Shit, where’s my phone? WHERE IS MY PHONE? It fell down the toilet, it’s gone forever, your incompetence is astonishing, Sarah, really—TRULY. What THE HELL? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Okay, stand up. Sarah STAND UP. You need to look in the toilet to see if your phone is in there. Oh, thank God! OK, reach in! Do it!

Okay, okay, okay, okay. You need to go wash your hands, pull up your pants…there we go, kid! You’ve got this in the BAG. We’re up and we’re running. Now just open the door. There we go, slide the lock. YES! Freedom! Now, don’t freak yourself out, don’t look in the mirror, no DON’T! Come ON Sarah, what were you thinking? OK—we’re going to be here for a while, aren’t we? Yes, Sarah, we’re going to be here at the mirror for a while. Have I always had uneven eye sizes? No WONDER you’re single Sarah, you’ve got uneven eyes! As if you didn’t know. OK, so, how much time has passed now? Check your phone. Yes, reach into your back pocket, don’t let people know you’re struggling. WHAT. Are you kidding me? Where is it? Freak out. FREAK OUT! People are looking at me strangely, haven’t you ever seen a girl look for her phone? No, they’re looking at your uneven eyes, Sarah!

I think I need a medic. YES—I’m definitely having a heart attack. Undeniably going into cardiac arrest. Oh, it’s Zoe. Oh wait, I forgot, I’m sorry. It’s ZOË. Zoe but with an ë. Pretentious, really, isn’t it, ZoË? She’s coming this way! She’s staring right at me! Do something, say something! Don’t let her know! “Hhhiiii…ZoË! How’s your night going?”. “Fine”, she says. FINE? Pompous, ostentatious, snobbery, that’s all she is. FINE, really? Wait, she’s looking at you. She’s waiting for an answer…answer HER! “Cool!”. Now, turn around abruptly. Please, just leave me alone, ZoË.

Yes, okay. Shit! We’re back at the mirror. LOOK AWAY. You need to get out of this bathroom. Is that…is THAT a nose ring? HOW are you going to get a job with THAT in your face? Hm? HOW—Sarah? Absolute tomfoolery! Really, Sarah. Do you EVER think about what you do BEFORE you do it? How long have I been in here? Check the time. Yes, reach into your back pocket…wait. I’ve been here before. Is this some type of twisted game? Hey! Hey, YOU! Up there! Why are you doing this to me? “It’s not my fault, Sarah”.

Wait, Sarah. You don’t believe in God! You decided to be an Atheist in 5th grade, remember? Collect yourself. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN! I cannot believe you almost just relied on a fictitious character from a book to get you out of this. OK—a little far, Sarah. There really is no proof, is there? There’s no proof that there is a God and there’s no proof that there isn’t a God. So why am I…how long have I been in here? Oh, NO! They’re going to leave me here. They’re going to call the Uber and leave me here to rot. You’re going to die here, Sarah.

You need to get out. Where’s my phone? Back pocket. BACK. POCKET. SARAH! You can do this.

—Jane Furlong, third-year English.