We’ve all heard the spiel: Stereotyping others is unfair, hurtful, and indicative of being close-minded. But if you spend a month on a university campus, you’ll most definitely meet people who fit certain stereotypes perfectly. The following are 10 “types” of people you will surely run into at the University of Ottawa.
The Political Diehard
This person will undoubtedly introduce themselves to you with a firm handshake and a creepy grin, stopping at nothing to maintain unwavering eye contact. The Political Diehard will most likely work on Parliament Hill and will frequently pepper conversations with statements like, “I considered going to Yale or Brown, but my burning desire to be close to the Hill and change the face of Canadian politics resulted in my acceptance of the U of O’s offer.” The Political Diehard will unfriend you on Facebook if your political beliefs don’t match his or her own, often speaks in confusing governmental acronyms, and loves berating students who don’t vote.
The Drunk, Crying Girl
As much as we hate to be gender-specific, there’s simply no two ways about it: The person in the corner of the room, clutching a drink and sobbing hysterically, is always a girl. Nobody has any idea why she’s crying and she probably couldn’t tell you herself. A group of her friends will gather around her, stroke her hair, and offer to fix her mascara, but to no avail She will cry at every single party she attends, so keep your distance unless you’re prepared to spend the next four years wiping up her snot and tears.
The Eager Beaver
The Eager Beaver can be found sitting front and centre of every lecture room, or chatting up the professor before, during, and after class. Eager Beavers are known to start new topics of conversation five minutes before the class is supposed to end, typically resulting in an extension of the lecture and frustration on the part of all other students in the room. He or she will try embarrassingly hard to make friends with the professor and, when in conversation with peers, the Eager Beaver will refer to the prof by his or her first name. For example: “Miranda’s lecture today was just so fascinating, don’t you think? I discussed it with her after class and she said my opinion was quite enlightening. Miranda and I have developed such an enjoyable working relationship this semester!”
The Condescending Asshole
Regardless of whether you’re majoring in English or in engineering, you are bound to encounter many Condescending Assholes while studying at the U of O. Immediately after introductions are made, the Condescending Asshole will ask you what you’re majoring in, then proceed to explain why his program is much, much more difficult than yours. This person insists on one-upping everyone. If someone has just written three midterms in two days, the Condescending Asshole will roll his eyes and scoff, “Aren’t you a chemistry major? Pouring chemicals together and making explosions hardly counts as a midterm. You would never be able to handle my coursework.”
The Hipster Activist
The Hipster Activist can be found almost anywhere on campus wearing a V-neck and/or an American Apparel zip-up hoodie, holding a megaphone, and screaming. He or she will protest anything and everything for the sake of protesting. Hipster Activists follow restricted diets (usually vegetarian or vegan) and consider everyone who does not buy organic to be a subspecies. Hipster Activists prove their dedication to their lifestyle by covering themselves in ironic tattoos.
The Varsity Athlete
Regardless of your level of fitness, the Varsity Athlete will make you feel like the laziest of sloths in comparison. The Varsity Athlete will practice with his or her team for at least two hours every day and will be travelling every weekend for tournaments. Despite a devotion to physical fitness most Varsity Athletes are able to drink shocking amounts of alcohol. The Varsity Athlete is easy to identify, as he or she will always be decked out from head to toe in Gee-Gee attire.
The Person Who Never Shows Up to Class but Asks to Borrow Your Notes
The Person Who Never Shows Up to Class but Asks to Borrow Your Notes will usually make an appearance right before midterms or exams. He or she will sit in the back row and pounce on unsuspecting students as they pass by. Just say no, froshers. Allowing this person to have your notes is akin to taking all of your hard work and lighting it on fire. Chances are this student will never come to class ever again, so you can kiss your notes—and your chance of passing the class—goodbye.
The Person Who Really, Really Loves University
His parents kept him on a tight leash since birth. Upon realizing his independence at university, he has only two things on his agenda: Partying all day and partying all night. This guy will constantly be blasting music by LMFAO and will beg you to drink with him on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. The Person Who Really, Really Loves University will likely find himself burnt out by the end of October and on the next bus back to his hometown.
The Newly Pledged Fraternity Brother or Sorority Sister
It may come as a surprise to you, but the Greek system is alive and well in Canadian universities. Befriending someone in a fraternity or a sorority is risky business, as this person will be prone to secrecy and disappearing acts (“I’m not at liberty to discuss what goes on within the brotherhood, man!”). Sorority sisters and fraternity brothers speak a language of their own, so you may have difficulty following them in conversation. Identify Greeks on campus by their T-shirts covered in strange letters.
The Student Journalist
OK, maybe we’re a bit nosy and extremely fanatical about proper grammar usage— so sue us! Just kidding. Please don’t. Spend 20 minutes with a Student Journalist and you’ll find yourself inexplicably spilling your life story. The Student Journalist can often be heard saying, “Wow, that would make a great article. Can I set up an interview with you?” We’re all up in everyone’s business, but you know you want to join us, so stop by the Fulcrum offices and become part of the most kick-ass student newspaper in the country.