…or wherever you want them
Compiled by Ali Schwabe
We at the Fulcrum have partnered with Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium (382 Bank St.) and dug around our bedside table drawers to bring you our reviews and recommendations on porn, products, and playthings. Here, we let you know what’s most fun to bring into the boudoir and what’s better left behind.
Choco penis: white chocolate by naughtychocolates, $1.99
I began my review of the chocolate penis by performing a stress test; you never know what novelty chocolatey treats will have to go through before they make their way into someone’s mouth (I hear bachelorette parties can get pretty wild). After banging the penis against a table failed to cause any visible damage, I was forced to throw it down a hallway. Two throws resulted in minor cosmetic damage, and only on the third throw was it damaged enough to compromise its structural integrity. Top marks.
I then examined the design of the product. It certainly looked like a penis. Pale, a little lumpy, and accompanied by testicles. The head was a different colour from the shaft. I will say, though, that the balls seemed perhaps a bit oversized and the white chocolate of the shaft was too high-contrast from the bright pink colour of the head.
Then I put the penis in my mouth. The chocolate was of a high quality and was better than I expected. It took a fair while to melt, though, and had a slightly chalky mouth feel; it was simply not as soft as I normally want white chocolate to be. The bright pink head of the penis tasted the same as the rest, which surprised me since I expected it to be made of marzipan or something.
While the chocolate penis is not perfect when held up to the strenuous demands of a chocolate-penis connoisseur such as myself, for those simply wanting it for joke purposes, it is an excellent product. It looks like a penis and it’s easy to bite into and enjoy. Its best feature is that when dropped or jostled, it will almost certainly survive intact; you can be fairly rough with it.
—Brennan Bova
Product provided by Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
Choco penis: milk chocolate by naughtychocolates, $1.99
A delicious alternative to the white penis for those who prefer the aesthetic or taste of a darker chocolate. We’re too classy to make any “once you go black” jokes.
—Sam Mathews
Product provided by Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
Deep Throat
Many critics consider Gerard Damiano’s classic Deep Throat to be one of the forbearers of the modern adult entertainment industry. Back in 1972, it became one of the first hardcore pornographic films to have mainstream appeal, featuring elements that were relatively unknown to adult movies of the era, such as a relatively high production value, a full soundtrack, and a substantial plot.
Said plot features a sexually frustrated young woman (Linda Lovelace), who is looking to experience her first true orgasm after a lifetime of only feeling “a lot of little tingles.” After Linda’s physician reveals that her missing clitoris is actually lodged in the back of her throat, this newly liberated woman is set loose on the world, looking to find her true love and true satisfaction through her newly acquired oral fixation.
The synopsis may sound crude, but the movie is surprisingly charming. With its humorous tone, upbeat funk soundtrack, and tongue-in-cheek dialogue, this film would not seem out of place alongside a John Waters movie or some other camp classic. Damiano also proves himself to be very creative when it comes to staging the action itself; every set-piece in the movie has its own distinctive look and feel.
Even though the premise of the film necessitates an excessive amount of scenes featuring fellatio, Deep Throat is a cultural touchstone that is worth a watch, and remains one the few porno movies that has the potential to educate as well as arouse.
—Kyle Darbyson
Scoop vibrator by California Exotics, $24.99
This multi-speed, uniquely shaped vibrator has become one of my must— haves. Never mind its small stature, this baby is powerful. Not just that, but its rounded, cupped end perfectly hugs your clitoris for stimulation all around. If that doesn’t whet your appetite, this vibrator doubles as a g-spot stimulator. Besides the delicious orgasms it delivers, it’s also quite versatile. Beginners will find its shape useful in that it doesn’t require finesse to find that sweet spot, and intermediate toy users will find the six-inch handle a breeze; it can be easily introduced into any play without too much awkward maneuvering.
Perks? It’s waterproof, low-cost, low-noise, multi-speed, and runs on AAA batteries—plus it’s sparkly. The only downside isn’t really a downside at all: it may be quiet—but you won’t be.
—Amanda Kelsey
Product provided by Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
Fifty Shades of Grey
If you’re looking for some well-written, straight-to-the-point, and believable smut, then Fifty Shades of Grey is not for you. I decided to read this book because I was looking for some literary porn. Next time I need some dirty reading though, I’ll be sticking to rated-M stories from Fanfiction.net, where this book started as a dirty take on a Twilight story called “Master of the Universe.” Once you know that Christian Grey is based on Robert Pattinson, any sexual appeal is shot.
Sure, Fifty Shades of Grey does deliver on the promise of plenty of sex scenes. However, after having to read through eight chapters of grammatical errors to get to the first explicit description, my frustration overtook any anticipation I had been feeling. The first few sex scenes involve the main character losing her virginity and giving her first blow job. I hate to burst any bubbles, but a virgin can’t get pounded that hard or suck that deep. The realism doesn’t get much better through the rest of the book.
I can’t imagine getting through two more of these books; if I never read the words “murmur” or “pant” again, I’ll be a happy girl.
—Emily Stanford
Pleasure Tape by Fetish Fantasy, $9.99
The versatility of this product makes it a fun addition to anyone’s sexual tool kit. I was at first skeptical of the tape’s claim that it wouldn’t pull any hair or leave sticky residue when it was time to take the tape off, but it absolutely lives up to the promise. The shiny PVC tape only sticks to itself, without being staticky or hard to manage. It comes off the roll easily and can be ripped with teeth, but once you bind someone’s hands and feet together, it’s difficult for them to get their way out alone. When you help them, though, the tape can be pulled off without a problem, and can be wrapped back around the roll to be reused.
This is a great toy for couples interested in trying some light bondage, spicing things up a little, or extending foreplay. I tied my guy’s hands together and also used the tape to blindfold him. I definitely enjoyed being able to have my way with him and tease him while he remained relatively helpless, and he said the sensations of what I was doing were all the more enjoyable since he had lost his sense of sight.
The tape can also be used to gag or bind other body parts, and to create sexy outfits. I’ll definitely be rolling it around myself one night in the near future to create a present for my partner to unwrap; it’s bound to be a good night. At only $10 for a roll of 65 feet of reusable tape, there’s no reason not to indulge!
—Jasmine Houle
Product provided by Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
Dirty Diaries
Dirty Diaries caused something of a sensation when it was released in Sweden in 2009. Not only was it financed through public funds, but it was considered to be one of the first major releases in the emerging feminist pornography movement. In western society, where pornography tends to be created by a male-driven industry and marketed almost exclusively toward men, Dirty Diaries offers a refreshing change that aims to showcase sex that reinforces feminist values.
The movie consists of 13 short films by a variety of directors, with variety being the key word. All of the films are wildly different, ranging from creative and artistic (the surreal, full-body nylon sex in “Skin”) to the more straightforward and graphic (the lengthy and aggressive policewoman-on-regular girl sex in “Authority”). Some of the shorts can hardly be considered pornographic at all, such as “Flasher Girl on Tour,” which depicts a day in the life of a Swedish flasher in Paris. Only “Fruitcake” and “For the Liberation of Men,” which focus on anuses and male masturbation respectively, were more repulsive and bizarre than arousing.
The films were shot using regular mobile phones, adding a voyeuristic quality to the clips. Additionally, the women and men captured in these pieces look like real human beings; the film emphasizes that all people have sexual desires, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
The music could be considered a downside to the film. While the electronic soundtrack works surprisingly well with the visuals, it tends to get repetitive due to the small number of songs put on repeat.
Dirty Diaries succeeds at showing a more realistic side to sexuality, and thanks to its diversity, will have something to offer just about anybody.
—Max Szyc
Sexy Scratcher by Ozze Creations, $2.00
I’ll admit it: I’m not the most adventurous in the sack. I only lost my virginity a year ago, and normally once I get naked I’m too shy to voice any ideas or fantasies. I was looking for something to spice up my sex life. This is where the Sexual Fantasies Sexy Scratcher came in handy. When I was first given the opportunity to try one of these cards, I thought my boyfriend and I would just erupt in a fit of giggles and not be able to go through with it.
I’m not sure if it was the anticipation of scratching the box or just the excitement of something new, but once we were given a fantasy to act out, we went all out. I would definitely recommend these sexy cards for anyone out there looking for a little inspiration in bed, or as a fun addition to any Valentine’s Day, anniversary, or birthday gift.
—Emily Stanford
Product available at Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
Three Speed Bullet vibrator by Joy Division, $24.99
When it comes to bedroom toys, I’m a one-trick pony. I own exactly one sex toy: a rubber ducky vibrator. It’s purple, it’s waterproof, and it gets the job done. I’ve had Rubber Ducky for four years and have never felt compelled to try anything else—I know what I like and I like what I know.
Given how happy I am to remain within the confines of my masturbation comfort zone, I was really hesitant to try this vibrator. However, knowing my coworker needed someone to review the toy, my devotion to journalism trumped my fears, and I went home with the tiny, tampon-shaped, silver vibe.
I put Rubber Ducky in a drawer—I didn’t want him to have to witness my unfaithfulness—and went to work. Cue to 10 minutes later and I was basking in a post-orgasm glow, feeling blissed out and just the tiniest bit guilty.
What makes the Bullet so effective? Its three speeds, undoubtedly. The first, a faint buzz; the second, a steady charge; and the third, a force so powerful I feared it would burn my clit off (it didn’t). This vibrator is also relatively quiet, which is important for those of us with roommates, and it’s remarkably easy on batteries.
Am I going to part ways with Rubber Ducky permanently in favour of the silver bullet, as I affectionately like to call it? Definitely not. Will Rubber Ducky be spending a bit more time staring at the contents of my sock drawer? Absolutely.
—Tamara Lochte
Product provided by Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
Dona massage candle by System Jo, $14.99
I was looking through various lubes and oils when I spotted this massage candle in a cute purple can. One sniff of the blue lotus scent and I was sold. I took it home and decided to try it out on myself before my partner arrived—I had visions of bad burns and singed hair I was hoping to avoid.
I had no reason to be worried. The oil, although it takes a long time to melt from solid form to liquid once you light the candle, cooled down quickly 30 seconds after I blew the flame out. I poured a bit onto my feet, and was pleasantly surprised at the warm sensation. Not too hot, not too cold. Other perks: the candle is all-natural, safe for sensitive skin, cruelty-free, and lasts up to 30 hours. The only downside was that toward the end of my self-massage, the oil formed back into a solid, leaving a white film on my fingers and toes. This could easily have been avoided if I poured less oil on at a time and rubbed it in before adding more.
I’ll definitely be giving this baby another go. I’m still not sure if I’ll invite my partner—but that’s only because I want to keep the delicious scent of the oil and resulting soft skin from the massage all to myself.
—Ali Schwabe
Product available at Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
