Dear Di

Image: Christine Wang/Fulcrum
Reading Time: 11 minutes

Take a look back at Dear Di’s and Dear Ty’s from the last 10 years

Di Daniels, the Fulcrum’s longest standing employee, has written a number of Dear Di’s over the years. Here is a compilation honouring her best efforts.

Dear Di: Snowballing 

Originally published on Oct. 30, 2012

Dear Di,

How can I convince my boyfriend to snowball with me? I really think the idea of passing his cum from my mouth to his and back is super sexy, but I’m afraid to approach him because he might think I’m weird and gross. Should I just go for it one night after he’s had an orgasm in my mouth?

— Jizzabella

 Dear S,

If you haven’t yet approached him about this, it could be risky to suddenly surprise your guy with his own splooge right when he’s coming down from an orgasm. Is there something to suggest he might be game? If he’s normally willing to kiss you after you give head, I say next time go ahead and try leaving a little bit of his love juice in your mouth. Swirl the cum around his tongue with yours, moan a bit to show how much it turns you on, and gauge his reaction.

If, on the other hand, he always insists that you brush your teeth and gargle with Scope before he’ll get anywhere near your lips post-BJ, you’re better off broaching the subject before your next session in the sack.

There are various ways to bring this up while leaving yourself an easy-out in case he does end up finding it kinda weird. You can try finding porn that depicts what you want to do, then see how he reacts as you watch it together. Another option is to ask him about his fantasies and listen with an open mind before telling him about yours.

Hopefully he’s game, but some guys just won’t be willing to taste themselves. If this turns out to be the case, you can try to achieve the same eroticism another way—maybe suck on one of his fingers after a blow job, swirling the cum around his digit with your tongue then having him outline your lips with his semen.

Good luck, and I hope your snowballing experience culminates in a load of fun!

Love,

Di

Dear Di (that pesky gag reflex)

Originally published on Nov. 26, 2015

Dear Di,

My boyfriend has been asking me to deep-throat him for the last couple weeks and, to be honest, I’ve always wanted to do it. While I’m totally on board with the idea, I’m a little afraid of my stupid gag reflex. Any advice on how to master the art of deep-throating? 

-Deep Dive 

Dear DD,

Learning how to deep-throat effectively can be a saucy way to spice things up in the bedroom (or wherever people give blowjobs nowadays). 

So what exactly is deep-throating? Well, it’s an act of oral sex where you take your partner’s penis in your mouth completely, right down to the base. It becomes difficult because of the gag reflex, which refers to the reflex contraction of the back of the throat that prevents choking. But with practice most women and men can master the deep throat technique.

There are a number of oral positions that can make this process a whole lot easier.

Many of the traditional oral positions (i.e your man standing up or lying down) are more likely to make you gag and your eyes water, which might not be very pleasant for you or your partner. Any position where your head faces your man’s feet (think 69) will allow the penis to go more smoothly down your throat and reduce hitting your gag reflex directly. Although this will make it easier, deep-throating still requires practice on your part—which I’m sure your partner won’t mind.

But make sure you start off slow. Try deep-throating for a few strokes, then try holding it for a few seconds. Once you feel good about this technique, try increasing the strokes and the amount of time you “go under”.

As with everything, practice makes perfect. Some women prefer to practice on sex toys since it’s a lot easier to see what gag holding techniques work for you without the added pressure of having your partner watching your every move.

In the end, if you can’t fully master this oral technique don’t worry. After all, deep-throating isn’t for everyone. I’m sure you’ll learn some other moves down the road that will rock your man’s world just as much.

Love,

Di

Dear Di: Foot fetish 

Originally published on Nov. 23, 2016

Dear Di,

I’ve been on a few dates with this guy, and he seems to really like my feet. I mean, sure I have cute feet, but now he’s revealed that he’s actually turned on by feet. Is this normal?

—Foot Fetish

Dear FF,

Fetishes aren’t anything to be afraid of, since they basically boil down to a person having erotic desire for a body part or inanimate object. In other words, if there’s an object out there that turns you on, you may have a fetish.

There are a few common ones that come to mind, namely lingerie, high-heeled shoes, leather, tattoos, feet, or someone’s butt. For example, if someone is erotically charged by the sight of feet, they may want to lick, suck, or touch them.

There is debate about whether a fetish stems from early life experiences, or as a learned behaviour adopted from one’s environment. But in terms of what is “normal” when it comes to sex, that’s an entirely subjective term. So long as there is no harm being done to anyone and there is mutual consent, then is there really such a thing as “normal” sex?

Exploring your sexuality is a big part of life. While helping somebody explore their fetish can be an exciting way to discover new things about yourself, remember that both of you need to be comfortable with this idea. Who knows, maybe your new guy will be open to trying out a sexual fetish of your own.

Love,

Di

Dear Ty: Floorcest 

Originally published on Sept. 21, 2018

Dear Ty,

My whole floor went on our weekly trip to the Gatineau bars last Friday, and everything was going well until I ended up in bed the next morning with one of my floormates. Any advice?

—Floorcest navigator

Dear FN,

There’s a bit of an unwritten rule on university and college campuses when it comes to hooking up with people on your residence floor: simply put, you don’t. There’s even an official name for this residence conundrum: floorcest.

Academically defined (kudos to Urban Dictionary), floorcest refers to sexual and/or romantic relations between two or more individuals on the same floor in a residence building. These relationships are most commonly casual, connected to the obscure and nuanced term, ‘fuck buddy.’

Let’s start by approaching some of the reasons why the act of floorcest has gotten itself such a bad name, and whether any of these criticisms have merit.

The most basic point of criticism when it comes to floorcest is usually that you’ll be stuck seeing your ex-fuck buddy daily (if not more frequently) if things do go sour. Yes, I’m talking about those awkward elevator encounters where your phone suddenly becomes the most interesting device you’ve ever laid your eyes on, or those side-eye glances you make in coffee lines to confirm that yes, that is indeed one of your kills.

But honestly, this criticism shouldn’t be of concern to anyone with the slightest sense of maturity. We’re no longer in elementary school struggling with pre-pubescent crushes and the cooties—we’re adults now, sex happens, and is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of.

Another common issue for those entering into floorcest relations is privacy in the relationship. To put it bluntly, the chances of keeping your relationship a secret are miniscule at best and virtually non-existent at worst. When you live in tight quarters with over 20 other first-years, gossip flies. If you’re a private person, then floorcest may not be for you.

Linked to this, a final critique is exclusivity—something especially hard to define with floorcest and fuck buddies in general. If you do enter into a floorcest relationship, be prepared to see your special friend sleeping with people other than you. And if it’s another person on your floor? Good luck Charlie.

On the flipside, committing to floorcest does have quite a few terrific benefits to it, most of which seem to lack acknowledgement.

For starters, you can’t ask for a more convenient way to get your sexual fix in any time you feel horny. Let’s face it, nobody likes trekking across campus or even the city to get some, especially in the middle of a brutal snowstorm or violent downpour. With floorcest, you don’t even have to worry about putting on pants, let alone full on weather gear, to make it to your ‘appointment.’ In the middle of exam season, this emergency option for sexual release could come especially in handy.

Another major benefit of floorcest we don’t talk about enough is the fact that you’ll likely know this person well before you hookup. This means you’ll be able to pick a partner who is best for you, and you’ll have at least some idea of what you’re getting yourself into.

So yes, floorcest does come with its fair share of both positive and negative aspects. While staying away from floorcest is a bit of an unwritten rule in residence, it may be one that’s meant to be broken. My best advice is to test out the waters and see if it’s is for you—if not, there’s hundreds of different floors in residence to prowl for your new fuck buddy.

Love,

Ty

Dear Ty: I fucked my TA?

Originally published on Nov. 26, 2018

Dear Ty,

I was out with my friends last weekend and I stumbled into a TA for one of my classes at the bar. At first I just wanted to talk about the essay for the class that’s due soon, but one thing led to another and I ended up bringing them home for the night. I’m contemplating not going to class tomorrow to avoid them, but on the other hand (and I hate to admit it) I actually had a really great time—please help me!

—TA’s Pet

Dear TAP,

First a reader who slept with their CA, and now we’re on to a TA? We’re only almost halfway through the publication year, and what a year it’s been. Before we dive into this, it’s important for me to note that who you sleep with is totally your choice, and so long as it’s consensual it’s not my place to judge. What I can do is lay out both sides of the argument: whether you should continue this relationship or cut if off as cleanly as you can.

Let’s start with ending this relationship, if we can call it a ‘relationship’ at this point.

This may well be your best option, considering the U of O has a policy on relationships between faculty/staff/supervisors, and students. Under Policy 67, the U of O’s sexual harassment policy, the university states it “strongly disapproves of (these) romantic or sexual relationships … and expects members of its community to refrain from engaging in them.”

The university elaborates on its reasoning in the policy, explaining that this disapproval comes from the fact that a relationship like yours may constitute an “abuse of that power differential (between students and faculty/staff/supervisors,)” which “creates a negative environment for work and study and casts doubt on the validity of the consent to such relationships.”

It’s not clear exactly what consequences might be handed down if you are caught in your relationship with your TA, if any, but it might be best to err on the side of caution just to be safe. Outside of disciplinary action, a TA-student relationship can be messy in a number of other ways: the awkwardness, as you mentioned, of having to face someone you’ve seen naked at the front of a classroom, or having to hide the fact that you’ve had sex with them from dozens of other students in the room.

On the other hand, as Judith Taylor, a sociology and women’s and gender studies professor at the University of Toronto, told Global News in September of this year, “learning is an intensely romantic endeavour.” She goes on to highlight that one can conflate the energy and excitement of learning with the person who is actually helping you learn this material: “there isn’t a part of you, when you’re really into it, that isn’t really alive … there’s vulnerability and an excitement.”

This might help to explain why you unexpectedly connected with your TA and ended up in bed with them. But nevertheless, the majorly important thing to keep in mind if you do decide to continue this sexual/romantic relationship with your TA is consent: check in with yourself constantly and make sure this is someone you really want to be involved with. If you ever feel coerced, like you have to stay in the relationship to boost your grades, for example, get out of there as fast as you can, and don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, family or a professional for help if needed.

If you do decide to continue this relationship, do everything you can to avoid others finding out, at least while they’re still your TA. This has less to do with possible consequences from the university and more to do with backlash from your fellow classmates. There’s a chance you could be the victim of accusations of grade-fixing and things like that, or even worse, at the heart of a school-wide gossip storm.

With this in mind, if you really are feeling this whole relationship with your TA, wait it out.

Realistically, you have less than a month of this semester left and then you’re totally free—both of exams and assignments, and of any backlash from your relationship. If I really had to take a side in this, waiting until next semester seems like your best bet.

Love,

Ty

Dear Di: Ghosting Etiquette

Originally published on Feb. 2, 2020

Dear Di,

Look, I’ve been ghosted plenty of times, and I’ve done my fair share of ghosting, too. But after a couple of dates, the ghosting I took this week stung a little extra. I was wondering what your thoughts were on ghosting and whether or not there’s a way to do it right.

— Ghost Buster

Dear GB,

We should start by providing an operating definition of the term “ghosting.” Urban Dictionary defines it as “when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding friend’s phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.” 

The cold, hard truth of ghosting is that it’s become an absolutely socially acceptable way to deal with budding relationships that have hit dead ends. If you’re dating — and especially if you’re using online dating apps — it’s unavoidable.

That said, there are some simple rules to minimize the damage.

First of all, there are two very small windows where ghosting can be used most effectively. The first is before you’ve even met them. If you’ve been sending some flirty snaps, or saucing some Tinder messages back and forth, and you mention that you might want to go out but lose interest? Perfect ghost territory, minimal feelings hurt. 

After you’ve seen them once, you have one more shot to ethically ghost. After one date, even if it goes badly, you pretty much owe the person one more shot or you risk coming off as super petty. You never know, they could’ve been having an off day. But if you’re still not feeling anything after date two, welcome to Ghostville. Three dates is still a little ambiguous. But if you see someone four times or more, you definitely owe them at least a note on the fridge. 

There are also some basic rules of what kind of person you can ghost. A GQ Ghosting Guide tries to highlight the degrees of separation. For example, if it’s a coworker? Forget ghosting. But a random Tinder swipe, you can probably get away with. 

And finally, just know that if you’re going to ghost someone, that’s not something you can come back from. Forget the late-night “come over” texts, that door has closed.

In terms of having been ghosted, just take comfort in the fact that we’ve all been there. In all likelihood, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with wanting to play the field, but it’s a sucky feeling to be sure. Maybe just keep that feeling in mind the next time some bland Bumble date triple texts you and you feel the urge to ghost coming on. 

Some people (for example, the author of this article in Oprah Magazine) hold that it’s an evil practice that reflects the narcissism and lack of authentic connection that characterizes the digital age. To be honest, they’re probably right, but hey, it sure does give us an easy out.

Love,

Di

Dear Di: Best places to have sex on campus

Originally published on Sept. 7, 2020

Dear Di,

My partner and I are both incoming first years at the University of Ottawa, we’re both fans of kinky, public fornication. As someone more familiar with campus, could you tell me where the best spots to shag are on campus?

-Expeditionist Couple

Dear EC, here are my top 10 recommendations for you two young love birds. Hopefully, me and Ty Daniels don’t run into you when we’re out and about doing our business on campus.

10-To open up my top ten, me and Ty both like the 14th floor of the Faculty of Social Sciences Building (FSS). It’s a classic! Both of you will get to enjoy a beautiful view of the city as you bang it out on the windows. However, make sure to go to the 14th floor because intrusive tourists on campus all flood to the top floor to admire the view.

9-The sauna in the Montpetit Hall men’s change room. Great place to get hot and steamy with your partner!

8-The press box at Gee-Gees field on Lees campus. You get this strange feeling of intimacy as hundreds of eyes stare down from the apartment buildings next door and watch you guys duke it out through the huge windows.

7-The Morisset basement has a number of soundproof studios if you’re the kind of couple who moan their lungs out while you do the deeds.

6-Book a study room at the Crossroads Learning Centre (CRX) or Lamoureux and get to work as people peek through the window at your glistening bodies 

5-On Matt Anthony field at night. Everyone loves gameday, so take your game outside and get in shape like our Gee-Gees athletes. The field should be free around 3 a.m. 

4-Anywhere in the STEM or SITE Buildings as engineers are sure as hell not getting laid. 

3-In case you haven’t told everybody that you guys are from Telfer already, let them know by conducting your business on the Telfer sign behind Desmarais. 

2-Bang on the iconic Tabaret Lawn, but watch out for the raccoons. You’ll be sure to appreciate the nicely trimmed grass as it rubs against your bare cheeks. 

1- The offices at the Fulcrum offer a number of very comfortable couches. If the editors are nice enough they’ll even let you pick from a selection of expired condoms. 

Love, 

Di