“A BIT OF COLOUR NEVER KILLED ANYONE”
A QUEERY IS A COLLECTION OF ARTICLES WRITTEN BY QUEER STUDENT’S AT THE UNIVERSITY OF OTTAWA. ALL ARTICLES ARE ANSWERING QUESTIONS THAT THE AUTHOR HAS BEEN ASKED.
ANSWERS DO NOT SPEAK FOR THE ENTIRE QUEER COMMUNITY, JUST THE AUTHOR WHO WRITES SAID ARTICLE.
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS WRITTEN BY KEITH DE SILVIA-LEGAULT.
DE SILVIA-LEGAULT IS A BISEXUAL AND NON-BINARY POLITICAL SCIENCE STUDENT. IN ADDITION TO RUNNING FOR OFFICE IN 2022, DE SILVIA-LEGAULT IS CURRENTLY THE OPINIONS EDITOR OF THE FULCRUM. THEY ARE ALSO KNOWN AS FORMER HEAD ORGANIZER OF THE RIDEAU MCDONALD’S FAREWELL MARCH.
IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR REASON WHY YOU DRESS SO FLAMBOYANTLY?
Growing up, I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable the majority of the time. It was a constant ache. I didn’t even recognize it as discomfort until I reached adulthood.
My wardrobe consisted predominantly four colours: blue, black, grey, and white. Any other colour would warrant being teased by other kids. I learned that when it came to what I wore that there were certain social rules to follow.
I recall crying to my mother when I was quite young. I begged her to buy me oversized shorts that would go far below my knees, anything shorter would trigger name-calling at school. But the longer the shorts would be, they eventually became capris which would also cause teasing. Capri’s were “for girls” and I, of course, was a boy.
As an adult, I find it pretty funny that I never considered just wearing pants.
When I was young, it felt like there was just no winning when it came to what to wear. I didn’t think much of concepts like sexuality and gender. All I knew was that I was doing my best to be like other kids, but no matter what I did I just couldn’t do it.
I came to love Halloween. Each October I was asked what I wanted to be. My mother loved my peculiar answers and would spend the whole month turning them into a reality. It was the only time of the year that I could wear whatever I wanted to.
I looked ridiculous and I absolutely loved it. But here’s the most important thing: it was the one day of the year that I did not fear judgement. If anything, I welcomed it.
My late teens was when it occurred to me that I was bisexual, but I feared judgement like many queer children, so only my closest friends knew. I started to be exposed more to other students who were a lot more comfortable with themselves than I ever was. At the same time, I tried experimenting with various types of fashion but similar to my sexuality, I was very cautious and feared ridicule.
Around when I was 18, when I moved to Ottawa, it started to occur to me that I was my own person. It probably didn’t matter what I wore. It probably wouldn’t matter if people knew I was queer. Only thing was that now most of the judgment wasn’t coming from other people, it came from me.
Like most students, money was hard to come by and my current clothes no longer fit. That’s how I was introduced to my beloved Value Village. I’d slowly start to get more brave with my fashion choices. People started complimenting my shirts, which was new.
It was at a house party that after having roughly four White-Claws and roughly half a joint, a 22 year-old me was having a conversation with a friend. They asked me something along the lines of how I felt about being a man. It took me a second to find my answer.
To me, being a man had meant having to follow a set of rules my whole life. Though, no matter what I did I never seemed to be particularly good at obeying those rules. I hated that no matter how hard I tried I could never fit the role of what a man was.
In that moment I realized that the feeling of discomfort I had when I was a child did not need to be the norm. I am my own person and it’s up to me how I choose to be.
It’s always hard to explain this to people who are content with their gender. To be honest, I don’t expect you to understand something that you have not and will never experience. All I ask is you respect it. My clothing is just a small part of who I am and my “queerness”. The way I dress is how I show others that I’m happy just the way I am.
And it was never about fear of judgement, it was about my own judgement of myself. For the first time, I love who I am. I’m proud of who I am, and I don’t need your validation. Just my own.
I think back to how my childhood could’ve been like if I had discovered who I was earlier in life. I wish I didn’t just have Halloween. But I’m grateful that I am still young and can live the rest of my life how I do now; content and free of judgement.
