Humour

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Kim and Kanye’s fetus shares her struggles

Kristyn Filip | Fulcrum Staff

Photo illustration by Kyle Hansford

HER PARENTS ARE arguably two of the most famous “K”s on the planet, but the as-of-yet unborn Kardashian-West baby wants nothing to do with the spotlight.

“I am something of a solitary person and I value my privacy,” she said during a press conference held directly after a recent ultrasound appointment, which was broadcast on television and documented by her mother on Twitter and Instagram.

“I have no interest in being famous,” the baby continued. “I am only granting this interview in hopes that it will placate the paparazzi until my birth, which I know will be a media circus regardless of my wishes.”

The fetus, whose parents are mega-famous reality TV star Kim Kardashian and music industry mogul Kanye West, expressed her serious concerns for her future, noting that both her parents are notoriously narcissistic, even by Hollywood standards.

“Frankly, I really doubt these two are ready to be parents,” said the fetus. “I’m very worried they might leave me outside of a Maison Martin Margiela store or forget about me while they take turns preening in front of a mirror. It’s all very disconcerting.”

The future infant also questioned her parents’ ability to provide her with a stable home environment.

“It is my understanding that both Ms. Kardashian and Mr. West work until all hours of the night and spend much of their time travelling to different places to shop and be photographed,” she said. “While I absolutely respect their right to pursue happiness, I fear my upbringing will be chaotic and detrimental to my becoming a productive and well-adjusted member of society.”

Although money is certainly no concern for Kardashian or West, the fetus asserted financial planning is not her parents’ strong suit.

“I am aware that my mother and father are extremely comfortable, financially speaking,” she said. “But to my knowledge, no one has put aside any money for my schooling. I have a pair of Christian Louboutin baby booties, but no money to pay for the degree in peace and conflict studies I plan to pursue at the University of Oxford.”

Although the Kimye baby’s experience in-utero is certainly unique, she has found comfort in her friendship with Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn infant, whom she calls “a true kindred spirit and inspiration.”

“I have reached out to the fetus currently inhabiting the Duchess of Cambridge’s womb, and I can’t tell you what a relief it is to find someone who can relate to my struggle,” she said. “Speaking to the future monarch has helped me to put my life in perspective. That child will never know privacy. I, at the very least, have the option of moving to a remote corner of the globe where television does not exist.”

The Kardashian-West baby closed the press conference by stating she would not allow genetics to dictate the course of her life.

“I will not be paraded about on television, nor will I traipse across any stage,” she said. “In fact, I plan to seek emancipation. Given that I am currently attached to Ms. Kardashian via an umbilical cord, I will have to wait until my birth to fully devote myself to this pursuit.”

Umbilical cord aside, the infant is confident she will reach her goal in a timely manner.

“I have no doubt I will be independent of my parents in the eyes of the law before my first birthday,” she said.