Campus crushes
Valentine’s Day begs the question: what is love? I can only hope that someone, somewhere, can’t help but respond with, “baby, don’t hurt me,” just as Nestor Alexander Haddaway intended. Even so, my question remains unanswered.
What is love and what does it look like in the 21st century?
Apparently, on the U of O campus, it looks a lot like unnervingly honest anonymous confessions of astoundingly intimate affection on Instagram via the @uottawacrushes testimonial account.
With 65 heartfelt professions of profound infatuation, it is perhaps the rawest vantage point into the hearts — amongst other regions — of University of Ottawa students, rendering us privy to their sexual and romantic desires. Rest in peace, Cyrano De Bergerac, you would’ve loved @uottawacrushes.
Of course, this Instagram page offers a profound range of professions of love, with some more bizarre than others. Of these 65, I believe that these five, in particular, are what we should all aspire to emulate when we get the courage to chat up our campus crushes. So, if you just spent Valentine’s Day alone and you’d really rather not do that again, take a page from these anonymous authors’ books.
- “To the girl with the polo shoes I met at Tabaret, I nut to your bitmoji.”
This is it. This is what modern romance looks like. I mean, desperate times, desperate measures, right? It’s also emblematic of why I don’t have Snapchat.
- “To the girl on 90u floor nine, I wanna lick your toes through your fish shoe holes.” “To the girl with the fish shoes in 90U, please bring your huge ass to my room and sit on my face.”
Two people are after this girl who apparently put her best flippers forward. To the girl on 90U floor nine with the fish flops, where did you get them? Asking for me.
- “To the nursing major name[d] Sara in 90U, meet me at the garabage [sic] room on our floor to give me a prostate exam.”
Nothing but green flags here, Sara. They remembered you were in nursing, so they clearly have taken an interest in your life. They chose a location convenient for the both of you, which shows they’re considerate. The cherry on top is that they are prioritizing their health and wellness by pursuing a prostate exam. Some people don’t even have skincare routines. I say go for it.
- “To the girl carrying six cups at once in the dining hall tonight, that was impressive. Can I see what else those hands can do?”
Good luck finding this girl, my friend, because carrying six cups is a contemporary example of Darwin’s theory of evolution. After years of pants with tiny, non-existent, or deceptively fake pockets, women and girls everywhere have developed an unprecedented ability to carry things. I admire your gusto, though.
- “To the medicine major with a fade, please use me as your dummy.”
For a medicine major, I understand. Get that bag, as they say.
I need to be abundantly clear that I’m absolutely kidding about using these on real, live people. If you try these, you’re on your own. In a movie, this is where they’d include a disclaimer that waives the content creators of all liability and cautions you to try these at your own risk, et cetera, et cetera.
I will note that it is interesting that footwear came up so frequently in these professions of attraction… don’t make me spell this one out.
Anyhow, didn’t that just warm your hearts (and toes)? Send a love letter to a special someone this Valentine’s Day, anonymously or otherwise.
