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Famed rapper preps for nationwide healing mission

Photo by Rodrigo Ferrari, CC. Edits by Marta Kierkus.

Kanye West, the American rapper, producer, film director, and inventor of leather jogging pants, has shared yet another side of himself—that of a miracle worker.

“I’m stepping away from the limelight and into the light of the Lord,” West declared in an uncharacteristically brash interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night.

“I’m a humble man of miracles. I’m the most profitable prophet since Jesus. That’s the truth. The media’s going have to find a better target because I’m gonna be travelling across America using my powers to cure my handicapped fans.”

The announcement follows an event that occurred at a concert in Sydney, Australia on Sept. 12, where the “Heartless” singer halted his show and refused to perform until all seated fans either stood up or proved they had “…a handicap pass and get special parking and shit.”

When all arose but two, he focused his attention on these select individuals—a moment so powerful it provoked one of the fans to stand up, completely healed. West, still perched atop his prop mountain, simply declared: “OK, you fine now.”

Even though it was caught on video, the press has been skeptical regarding the authenticity of the “miracle” in question. However, if it proves to be genuine, renowned theologian Samuel Goldbloom notes we cannot understate the enormity of its significance.

“This is likely the first faith-based healing to occur solely through eye-contact—let alone Shutter Shade sunglasses,” Goldbloom said. “Beyond that, what we’re dealing with here is a modest man who, despite his God-given abilities, isn’t above making an example of himself. Jesus Christ himself might need to watch the throne.”

While speculation as to whether West will make good on his promise of a nationwide healing mission, the rapper has taken to social media to reveal more about the Nike-sponsored #YEEZUSWALKS campaign. The campaign will feature West making his way across the country this coming June in his signature Air Yeezy sneakers, using his newly honed healing powers to cure those with physical disabilities.

The catch is that the receivers of the rapper’s healing powers “need to be true followers, true fans, or else my power ain’t gonna work on them,” West said in an interview.

Certain individuals have raised concerns that this stipulation may leave a sizable portion of Americans without care.

“By agreeing to only serve ‘true fans’, Mr. West is disregarding the sizable number of former fans who jumped ship a long time ago because of his dickish behaviour,” said Harvard bio-ethics professor Katrina Armstrong. “This type of privatized care undermines the democratic aspects of Obamacare and doesn’t serve the entirety of the American population.”

In a world so devoid of faith, West’s healing abilities will certainly prove to be earth-shattering in terms of cultural and socio-economic repercussions. However, this exclusive miracle worker leaves many to wonder, “What’s a God to a non-believer?”