The tomato

Recently accepted to the University of Ottawa’s Faculty of Science to study animal behaviour, the McDonald’s raccoon landed on campus this Thursday to figure out if U of O campus life is a good fit for him. But the visit left the raccoon, and students, questioning whether the U of O is truly the caring and inclusive campus it claims to be.

The Fulcrum is hoping its high praises result in an OSAP amount constituted of mostly grants — like many students, the Fulcrum has no idea how to repay the government loans.

“I mean, I’ve been studying environmental science for almost three years now, and I’ve never come across anything that suggested the possibility of ‘warm weather’ in this city. Maybe I’d be inclined to believe them if this were somewhere like Toronto, but everyone knows that Ottawa just doesn’t have a spring.”

Since the eradication of pedestrian walk signal buttons from his ward, Menard has launched an attack on all buttons in general, with no trace of discrimination. The buttons on his office’s microwave, the buttons on all of his clothes, the buttons on his remote control, and the buttons on his home appliances, including his washer and dryer.

“It’s going to suck not being woken up to the sound of heavy machinery right outside my window,” claims Roberta Pebble, a second-floor resident of 90 University. “There’s really nothing like the sound of tons of gravel being poured on LRT track. I’ve grown to like it, I guess I’ll have to buy an alarm clock now.”

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