The Tomato

Convoy protest
The convoy will not get the nookie. Photo: Connor Howell/Courtesy
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Truckers to welcome bands with arms wide open next weekend

Live Nation has announced its plans to host a music festival next weekend on Parliament Hill for the truckers who have made their way to Ottawa for the Freedom Convoy protest.

“On Saturday, we infiltrated the protest to determine what kind of music the protesters listened to. It was quite easy to blend in — all we needed to do was wear red flannel jackets and Timberlands.” 

“We found out that the protesters” favourite music was a mix of butt rock and bro-country, so from there we decided to put in some phone calls to see who was available to play for the protesters,” wrote Live Nation in a press release.

Michael Lang and John Scher have been hired by Live Nation to organize the festival. Their track record includes organizing the Woodstock 99 festival.

The festival is scheduled for Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. and 63 artists perform on top of a semi with a ‘Fuck Trudeau’ decal on it. 

Originally, the plan was to have Nickelback be the main headliner, but the band had to decline as they are shooting an episode of Cribs next weekend. 

Plan B was Limp Bizkit, but Fred Durst said he didn’t roll with the convoy and would only do it for the $10 million. Sadly, the convoy hasn’t collected enough on GoFundMe to afford plan B. 

Creed, on the other hand was super excited to play for the convoy, Scott Stapp said that when he heard the news he had tears of joy. 

Florida Georgia Line was also honoured to be asked to play the festival. They were only invited after Toby Keith, Kenny Chesney, Luke Bryan, Luke Combs, Eric Church, the Zack Brown Band all refused to play the festival.

Puddle of Mudd will also perform. This will be their first performance since they performed their infamous cover of Nirvana’s “About a Girl” for Sirius Radio — which coincidently led to the death of satellite radio.  

Puddle of Mudd, Creed, and Florida Georgia Line will each perform a two-hour set, which means that the other 60 bands will only have six hours of combined stage time. When asked how this was logistically possible, the organizers simply said most of these acts only have one or two hits and the truckers don’t want to hear their back catalog. 

Other acts include, Teg Nugent, Papa Roach, Default, Morgan Wallen, The Calling, Lifehouse, Trapt, Buckcherry, Dierks Bentley, Seven Mary Three, and Aaron Lewis (but not Staind, the rest of the band did not want to be associated with the festival). 

Finally, organizers have also touted a surprise headliner. According to the mainstream media, this surprise headliner would be Hinder. However, truckers are refusing to believe these reports and are accusing the mainstream media of pushing the Hinder lie to downplay the importance of the festival. 

Meanwhile, on trucker radio, it is rumoured that the surprise headliner will be Kid Rock, who for the first time, would perform his hit single “Don’t Tell Me How to Live” featuring Monster Truck on a big rig.

Moby wasn’t invited — he felt disrespected and was furious.