The Tomato

Canada’s impressive medal count makes games unfair for other nations

Illustration by Jennifer Vo

With Canada garnering an impressive tally of 25 medals, including 10 gold, at the Sochi Winter Olympics, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced today that it has banned Canada from participating in all future Winter Olympic games.

The announcement was made at the IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland, by president Timmy Bach. “The fact of the matter is, Canada has simply become too talented — the other nations can’t compete,” he said.

“At each Olympic event, the Canadian team consistently sets records and wins a multitude of gold medals. At first we considered just eliminating sports that Canada always cleaned up in, like women’s hockey, but then we thought we might as well kick out the canucks for good.”

The move has provoked a divided reaction among states that participated in the Sochi Olympics.

Upon hearing the news, Canadian Prime Minister Stevie Harper stormed onto Parliament Hill and quickly organized a press conference. It was clear he was fuming.

“The IOC has no right to ban Canada, one of the most honest and hard-working of all nations that compete,” said Harper.

“How the hell can they somehow find fault with Canada participating? It’s no secret we always suck at the summer Olympics, so how do they expect us to get any medals from now on? ”

Harper started visibly sweating and shaking as he continued, “It’s all rigged I tell ya! RIGGED!” while slamming the podium in front of him with his fists. “It’s those damn Americans and Russians, changing the rules so they get a better shot at their own medals. Obama, you know what I’m talking about.

We’ll storm the friggin’ arenas with tanks if that’s what it takes to get back in,” Harper yelled, before briefly clutching his chest and regaining his composure.

United States President Barracks Obama appeared much more humble and pleased during his own statement.

“As usual, I don’t know what Prime Minister Harper is talking about,” said Obama. “The IOC has a strong legacy of zero tolerance for corruption, and I am just as surprised at the IOC’s decision to ban Canada as the next guy. Although, maybe this means in South Korea (the host of the next Winter Olympics) our hockey team can actually win gold for once.”

Upon hearing that his job and entire organization could soon cease to exist, the President of the Canadian Olympic Committee Marcello Obutt was seen on a flight to Switzerland with a large suitcase filled with Swiss Francs in a desperate bid to change the minds of IOC members. There is no word yet on the IOC’s response to Obutt’s trip.

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