An independent investigation spurred by recent releases of Fyre Festival documentaries, has revealed that student unions were behind the whole thing. Samantha Odd and Angel Shawarma, the lead investigators, held a press conference earlier this week.
The tomato
The challenge, which ran from Feb. 4 to 10, resulted in a higher lack of productivity than usual, with only three of 23 councillor seats occupied throughout the week. (Councillors who were not part of the challenge still used it as an excuse for their absences).
There was no mistaking it for Betty DeGrudge when, on a blustery, snow-covered Thursday morning, she finished her long drive in from the outskirts of the city, crossing over the Laurier Avenue bridge and into University of Ottawa territory: students are such a pain-in-the-ass.
After binge-watching all eight episodes of Tidying Up With Marie Kondo, a third-year U of O student went on a cleaning-spree. But it seems that she’s taken Kondo’s advice a little too seriously.
Jane Drummond, the student in question, has been on a “rampage” according to her concerned roommates Kristopher Trent and Jennifer Fremont.
In all my four years at this university not once has anyone mentioned the fact that we have a library! I’ve spent nights hunched over in dorm rooms, finishing essays by lamplight, paying for research from journals that I could have accessed for free?? I am livid.
History has been made by Dean Wels, a third-year student at the Telfer School of Management, who has somehow been placed on academic probation in the first week of school after winter break.
The philosophy student, an enigma to those around it, treats syllabus week as hunting season. Asserting dominance during introductory lectures is their only way of ensuring a successful semester.
Now, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
What we saw was astounding. We found loads of professional-grade concert speakers set up all over the site, hooked up to one guy’s laptop playing “Epic Construction Ruckus Medley—10-hour Version” on YouTube.
It’s easy to tell who’s not in the know. They’re huddled together in large packs, attempting to stave off the cold, inappropriately dressed for the cold weather. They claim their moms were going to buy them a Canada Goose coat over Thanksgiving. It’s the first years.
“We’ve been named the seventh-happiest country in the world, and we couldn’t be happier,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
“Investing in Bitcoin is a perfect fit for the U of O and our stated principles,” said Frémont. “What could defy the conventional more than investing in the same thing as everyone else?”
While Canadians may be up in arms online around Tim Hortons’ response to the minimum wage hike, their response in person has been less than caffeinated.
According to LeSwank, funding for season three of the show came from profits from the recent Everybody Hates Everybody (EHE) Festival. The festival featured a controversial “pay to play” policy, where the SFUO selected artists to perform based on how many tickets they could sell.
Strange Globe and Mail article becomes a template for political marketing machine.
To help clear things up, the Tomato managed to get an interview with Trudeau. Suspiciously, the prime minister declined to make any comment, movement, or even blink.
“I’m so excited to learn everything about this important issue. I haven’t been able to find a job for nearly three years and now I understand why.”—Colleen McCafferty, third-year political science student.
“It’s not everyday that a rich, handsome actor with millions of worldwide fans gets the recognition he deserves.”—Cheryl Boone Isaacs, Academy president.
With the debate over electoral reform still raging, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—henceforth retitled “Glorious and Eternal Leader of Canada”—quietly passed legislation on Monday, ending all subsequent elections.
“Statistically, a huge number of violent deaths in the U.S. are caused by white males, and if there’s one thing this administration lives by it’s facts and figures.”—Sean Spicer, White House press secretary.
Today, the number of Bridgehead coffee cups littering the Parliament Hill bus stop is higher than at any time in the last 150 years.”—@RogueLivingWall.
Many Anglophones were left asking their bilingual companions “qaStaH nuq?” as the PM droned on about pot legalization and his latest scuffle with Starfleet High Command.
“Luckily, the SFUO seems to be prepared for this. Their website is so dense and impenetrable that no hacker will be able to get access to any sensitive information.”—Michel Ghost, U of O cybersecurity expert.
On Nov. 6, Rabaska abruptly ended its relationship with the U of O student body, and people are having trouble coping with the loss.
“We’re thinking of just not showing up to classes for a few weeks from December to January. That should show them.”
