The Tomato

The Hearths live in the GTA. Photo: Via pixaby.

Mother urges university officials to take him back through “any means necessary”

Following a visit back home, it’s common for students to get a little homesick. But Patrick Hearth, a first-year student at the Telfer School of Management, decided to forego all those awful feelings. Instead, Patrick chose to remain at his childhood home indefinitely, much to the distress of his mother Cindy. Cindy is now reaching out to university officials, urging them to take him back through any means necessary.

Patrick spoke with Tomato reporters, explaining his logic.

“I don’t want to go back to Ottawa, it’s cold, the dining hall food sucks, and I would have to get on a train for five hours. Back here, the fridge is fully stocked with stuff from Costco, my laundry gets folded and put away, and nothing has to ever change.”

“My roommates in Ottawa are the worst, my courses suck. There are scandals in student politics there every day, none of which I understand. What’s the big deal with moving away anyway? All my friends are here, my neighbours know me. Heck, I even picked up my old paper route.”

It should be noted that all of Patrick’s friends have  returned to their respective universities come the end of reading week, and that he is now   left with two high school acquaintances who chose to stay in their hometown and smell kind of funny.

Cindy Hearth’s lawyers also released a statement. “This stubbornness on the part of Patrick has caused the Hearths much distress. They’ve already made plans to change his childhood bedroom into a workout room, which Mr. Hearth is in desperate need of. Additionally, they have a couples retreat planned for the end of March that Patrick has invited himself to.”

Patrick’s younger sister, Debby, is also finding this transition hard. “He always hangs out around my high school. At first, I thought it was cool that he was able to give me rides home from school, but then he started going in with me every day. I then realized that he’s following his old Grade 12 timetable. He’s reverting to his high school self.”

The Hearths have reached out to U of O officials to see what can be done to forcibly remove their son from their home. They’re afraid to have a sit-down conversation with him, as his door now displays a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign with a skull and crossbones that he made when he was 11. It’s been noted that Patrick spends his day eating Cheetos and playing on an old Minecraft server from grade 9.

“We just want our son gone,” pleads Cindy Hearth “I mean, it’s great to see him every couple of months, but I really need the chance to miss him again. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I’m going to need a lot of distance after this.”

U of O officials are looking into what can be done to resolve the issue, and this article will be updated as necessary.