Opinions

People in a state of panic over the threat of unwanted plot information

The Official Whitehouse Photostream CC, Edits by Marta Kierkus

The United States has been reminded of the cost of military intervention in the Middle East after ISIS released a new horrifying message online. The infamous terrorist group said they are ready to unleash spoilers of mass destruction upon the American people.

Three unidentified figures in black clothing spoke in detail about their new strategy of spreading terror and misery, stating that unwanted plot information about popular TV shows will be inflicted upon the American populace through widespread cyber warfare.

“Nobody will be safe,” said the tallest of the three figures. “Spoilers will be coming at you on Facebook, on Twitter, on your personal email accounts, and even on Tinder. There will be no text spoiler alerts, no content filters, and no mercy.”

At the end of the video, the three ISIS members offered US leaders an ultimatum: either cancel plans to conduct airstrikes against their organization, or face the consequences of living in a world without spoiler alerts.

The announcement immediately triggered widespread panic amongst the American public, so much so that public opinion has swayed against US intervention in Iraq.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely concerned about the fate of oppressed minorities in the Middle East,” said business owner Brett Targus. “But I’m much more concerned about not knowing the fate of my favourite fictional characters in another war-torn hellhole: Westeros.”

ISIS’s latest threat has hit particularly close to home for President Barack Obama, since he has made no secret about his love for hit TV shows like House of Cards and Homeland. Immediately following the terrorist group’s broadcast, President Obama declared a state of emergency and addressed the American people from the Oval Office, advising them on how to cope with this impending attack.

“It is imperative that we all remain calm and start binge-watching immediately,” he said. “If we collectively get caught up on our favourite programs then the damage can be minimized.”

However, the vast majority of Americans are not on board with this strategy. In fact, groups like the Spoiler Avoidance Society have popped up overnight to oppose the US government’s actions against ISIS.

Interestingly, this group is composed of a wide variety of members who transcend different races, genders, political affiliations, and sexual orientations.

“It’s really quite touching,” said Janice Kalish, the group’s founder. “After years of petty squabbling and divisive rhetoric, Americans are finally banding together to accomplish a common goal: to make sure we don’t prematurely find out who dies on the next episode of Boardwalk Empire.”

Despite experiencing crippling approval numbers at home, the commander-in-chief is still choosing to press on with his strategy to “degrade and ultimately destroy” ISIS.

“As Americans, it’s our duty to stand up to tyranny and oppression no matter what the cost,” the President said in a Wednesday night address. “And if that means that we must sacrifice the mystery behind Claire Danes’ ugly cry on Homeland, then so be it.”