The Tomato

Canada has been named the world’s seventh happiest country. Photo: CC, 95C. Edits: Christine Wang.
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Ranking attributed to coffee, giant nickels, actual societal issues

Canada was recently named the seventh-happiest nation in the world, and the federal government has been quick to put a positive spin on the news.

“We’ve been named the seventh-happiest country in the world, and we couldn’t be happier,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Trudeau continued to emphasize just how important this news is. “This is the kind of statistic we need to be using to govern our country,” he said. “Forget looking at demographic trends and economic data, I can’t think of a more worthwhile statistic to pay attention to than being ranked ‘seventh happiest nation.’”

Buoyed by the country’s, er, success, the government believes they can push even further.

“We’re not going to stop here,” he said. “I strongly believe that with a lot of hard work and determination, we can become at least the fourth-happiest country in North America.”

Many citizens aren’t surprised Canada landed in the top 10 happiest countries.

“I mean, it’s really hard to think of any reasons Canadians might be unhappy,” said Damien Daniels, an Ottawa local, on a -30 degree day in March.

“Of course this should be the happiest country on earth, Canada doesn’t really have any strikes against it, right?” said Samantha Stewart, a “Canada 150” hat seller. “I mean, unless you count ecological concerns over the tar sands, conditions facing many Indigenous people, toxic workplace cultures in places like the RCMP and CSIS, and whatever the hell Doug Ford is going to do.”

Some, who think Canadians are becoming less happy, think the ranking is highly correlated to random Canadian stereotypes.

“I think the recent scandals related to Tim Hortons really knocked us down a few pegs,” said Tor Thomson, a semi-professional racquetball player. “If anything happens to that giant nickel in Sudbury, God help us all.”

“I mean I wonder how we ranked so high with so much happiness in the rest of the world,” said Bertrand Davis, assistant to the regional manager at Staples. “I mean look at Ameri… or Rus… actually yeah I can see it now.”

“It’s all rigged, everyone knows the Scandinavian countries are doping,” said Harry Herman, a professional cyclist.

The prime minister was asked how he would respond to the serious issues in the country and aim to improve Canada’s happiness ranking going forward. “Easy,” said Trudeau. “More socks with smiley faces on them.”

“But seriously though,” he continued, “We’re just gonna wait until marijuana is legal.”