The Tomato

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Student writes assignments with no outline

History has been made by Dean Wels, a third-year student at the Telfer School of Management, who has somehow been placed on academic probation in the first week of school after winter break.

Which begs the question, just how did he manage to fail all of his classes in one week?

“I decided to be super proactive and hand in all of my assignments before the due date,” claims Wels. “As soon as I got the syllabus, I would pound down a Redbull, and pound out an essay. I’d have the entire semester’s worth of work done by the end of the introductory lecture.”

“A lot of the professors double-checked to make sure, but I was determined to hand them in early. No more slacking off this year, I didn’t let not having an outline get in my way. No excuses.”

Wels handed in assignment after assignment, lugging his printer with him from class to class across campus. His essays tended to miss the mark quite a bit. When asked to write an essay on the impact of McDonald’s on the East, Wels wrote about Vanier. Additionally, an assignment to write a profile about a foreign company led Wels to write about the SAQ.

“I like adding that personal touch to my work, making the content relatable. I also don’t believe in spell check.” added Wels. “Once I handed in all of my essays and assignments, I thought, why stop there? I began writing up my own midterms and finals, no professor necessary.”

“They were some of the best exams I’ve ever written. I did a lot of matching questions, and connect-the-dots. I think once I get my Bachelor’s, I might try my hand as a professor.”

Of course, Wels had to ensure proper conduct during his exams, so he had his roommate, Chad, act as an exam invigilator. Wels professors weren’t impressed with his exams, but he claims they’re “just haters”.

Another incident might have exacerbated his low academic standing.

“I rear-ended some guy,” claimed Wels, who drives a golf cart to school. “(The cart) has a lot of blind spots. But what was I supposed to do? He was in my spot. It said right there, plain-as-day ‘Dean of the Telfer School of Management’, I’m ‘The Dean’.”

“Anyway, I guess the guy I hit works for the university or something, and he spoke to who he needed to speak with to get my marks looked at. I guess something just wasn’t up to par.”