The Tomato

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New dance competition debuts with goal of ‘fostering international cooperation’

Illustration by Tina Wallace

During an interview at his Los Angeles estate on April 2, Simon Cowlick revealed his newest television venture called Frolicking Dignitaries.

The show will be a quirky twist on a tried concept: a dancing competition, in which all of the contestants are current heads of government or heads of state.

Cowlick told the Tomato that he believes his show has the potential to be a great tool for easing international tensions and fostering greater cooperation.

“I mean really, what better way is there to get world leaders to see eye-to-eye than when they are in the midst of performing a passionate salsa dance routine?” he said.

Cowlick explained how he will convince enough world leaders to fly to Los Angeles and compete.

“The shows I produce must always have some kind of reward to keep contestants’ interest piqued,” he said. “For each round a world leader manages to stay in, I will pay down exactly one per cent of his or her country’s national debt.”

Much like in Dancing with the Stars, all contestants will be paired up each week to work on a new routine, and will perform it in front of judges and a studio audience Tuesday evenings.

Cowlick has already received a flurry of responses and requests from leaders across the globe, eager to audition for season one. The Italian parliament unanimously voted in a resolution to force Prime Minister Matty Forenzi to audition for this television series, so Italy may improve its financial situation.

The show is on a tight schedule, with the first series of auditions continuing only until next week. One of the most noteworthy auditions so far was from Russian President Vladdy Poutine.

Due to diplomatic tensions, Poutine auditioned via Skype from Moscow, where he suddenly hopped onto the screen looking unrecognizable. Poutine wore bright makeup covering his lips, cheeks, and eyes, a curly wig with blonde highlights, and sequins that shimmered as he executed a series of complex gyrations and twirls.

His pink leotards stretched with each flip and kick, as he proceeded to sing along to Whitney Houston’s hit “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” Poutine remained confident upon finishing his act, and demanded the judges permit him to perform topless in his dance numbers, should he pass the audition.

Closer to home, U.S. President Barreck Omaba initially refused to audition for Frolicking Dignitaries, saying that he found it to be “silly” and “ a waste of my time.” However, Omaba changed his tune after receiving a torrent of criticism from several members of congress, who accused him of “not taking America’s debt problems seriously.”

In an act of defiance against these critics, Omaba quickly changed his mind and flew to Los Angeles, where he performed an energetic belly dancing number with German chancellor Angie Eerkel. The couple impressed the judges with their synchronised stomach movements that flowed in time with the music, and Omaba’s stunning finale move, in which he threw Eerkel up in the air and twirled her several times over his head in a helicopter motion.

Upon completing his audition, Omaba appeared confident about joining the competition, but was heard mumbling, “As long as I don’t have to dance with that nutcase Poutine, I’m good.”

The Tomato is the Fulcrum’s satirical news page within the opinions section. These articles are meant to satirize an issue in our community or nation. They are not to be taken seriously; however, you should consider them in relation to your other news sources.