The tomato

It’s so great to see the administration actually doing something about making learning a more positive and environmentally responsible experience. No one is just idly sitting by bragging about a green wall in one building alone, or comforting themselves that the campus was ranked as the most sustainable in Canada.

“The sensationalism found in today’s media renders it tough to discern which foods are contributing positively to our collective health and which will likely put us in the ground,” said Roast. “That being said, I’m honoured to be one of the few who are admittedly contributing in a neutral way.”

“I’m just really excited to be at an institution of learning that understands that I’m different from everyone else,” said Runt. “It’s been hard to deal with professors who dismiss my breadth of knowledge just because I only have a basic understanding of everything I claim I’ve read.”

Presently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.

“My family will always be grateful to this country and town for entrenching the beliefs of religious tolerance and multiculturalism into fundamental rights for citizens,” said Jaameh. “It’s too bad Quebec didn’t agree to do the same.”

The new team names will take effect immediately. Among other changes, the New England Patriots will now be referred to as the Dirty Micks, the New York Giants will be changed to the Cheap Jews, and the Miami Dolphins will be renamed the Blackskins.

“Putin’s lack of comfort with his own sexuality is a far deeper cause of concern than any anti-proactive cold war mentality in Russia at this moment. I think we need Dr. Phil,” said Obama.

It all happened so fast. One minute I was with my friends enjoying a nice burger from the cafeteria, and then suddenly everyone had been transformed into sarcastically dressed monsters eating quinoa from Tupperware

Equipped with state-of-the-art swivel chairs and projector screens, the building will be like no other arts building on campus. Students will even have access to their own electrical outlets, meaning they will no longer need to bring extension cords to class to use their laptops.

“We’ve uncovered a massive network of steroid use within dodgeball leagues and it all centres around these athletes. There’s simply no room for cheating in our sport, or at this institution. Just with the magnitude of the situation, we felt we needed to come down hard on the perpetrators to not lose the public’s confidence.”

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