The Tomato

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Trojan invents full-body condoms to protect students from common danger in one-night stands

Photo by Tina Wallace

In light of the Fulcrum’s groundbreaking publication warning against the spread of bed bugs among students, executives at Trojan and Lifestyles have been racing to the patent clerks for approval on the new concept of full-body condoms.

These protective suits will ensure the spread of bed bugs stops at their most reputable source: the one-night stand. Trojan representative Steve Gland believes bed bugs are a much bigger concern for students than walks of shame.

“Students are filled with so much passion for their hookups that they are often not taking off all of their clothing before having sex with their partners,” said Gland. “This allows bed bugs to easily attach themselves to the student’s clothing and then spread later into their own bed at home after they try to catch some extra sleep the morning after.”

Lifestyles has developed a model that bares great similarity to the original Trojan full-body condom prototype, and as a result Trojan has filed papers for a lawsuit. Neither company was available for comment on the legal matter.

Regardless of the results of the lawsuit, the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) has stated it will include the Lifestyles full-body condom in its 101 Week kits next year if they are available, due to their “thickness, cost, and overall decrease of sensitivity and enjoyment during sexual intercourse.”

Meanwhile, Trojan has already worked on variants of its original model, including ribbed fingertips, mouth openings, and for the big boys and girls, the full-body Magnum.

When asked if Trojan was worried the full-body condom would result in a loss of passion while both partners suit up, Gland showed little concern.

“The safety of Sandy Hill is our number one priority right now. The spread of bed bugs needs to be stopped at its source: drunk one-night stands and hookups.”