The Tomato

New route alleviates congestion of awful human beings on public transit

Illustration by Joshua Balanuik

Diane Deaner, chair of the City of Ottawa’s Transit Commission, was pleased to announce the creation of a new OC Transpo bus route on Wednesday, Oct. 23. The bus route, tentatively numbered 455, is being created to better serve the needs of Ottawa’s inconsiderate assholes who don’t know how to ride the bus without pissing everyone else off.

“We are thrilled about this new development for our city’s transit system,” Deaner said in a public statement made shortly before the formal announcement at City Hall.

“We’ve been listening intently to rider feedback, and we believe that this is the best way to answer the concerns that have been raised—specifically, the need for a reduction in the amount of shitheads in our transit system.”

Priority seating on the new routes will be given to shopping bags and backpacks, with aisles and doorways reserved for groups of people who don’t like to move. In addition, the 455 will use specially engineered buses, that will amplify the sounds of loud phone conversations and unpleasant bodily functions.

For riders who wear excessively strong cologne or perfume, the new ventilation systems on the 455 have been designed to disperse these smells to everyone on the bus.

“This means that assholes no longer have to bathe in that shit, but who are we kidding, they’ll probably still do it anyway,” said Deaner.

Deaner also introduced a new rider policy exclusive to the 455, the No One Needs Room to Breathe or Move program. Under this policy, transit safety regulations will be relaxed to allow any number of people to force their way onto the bus, provided that these idiots continue to wear bulky backpacks and refuse to take them off.

Ryan Scott, a self-professed asshole, expressed his interest in the new route in an interview with the Tomato.

“It’s about time they made a bus route where people can do what they want,” said Scott. “I pay my fare. That means I can use the bus how I want. It’s not my problem if people can’t get past me to get off the bus. They should manage their time better so they’re not late.

“The bus is technically public property, too, so I can write on the seats and windows if I want. It’s freedom of expression,” said Scott. “More people should spit on the ground and stick gum to seats. They pay people to clean the floor anyway. I’m making jobs.”

The new route is expected to begin operation next week.