The Tomato

Jesse Colautti | Fulcrum Staff

It is with great regret that the Fulcrum announces the passing of Facebook earlier last month.

Facebook entered the great abyss quietly, without anyone really noticing, and faded into irrelevancy at a speed only matched by the demise of MySpace.

The official coroner’s report cited natural causes as the cause of death. The report claimed, “Facebook followed the life cycle of all hip trends. Originally gaining its popularity from its edgy and refreshing new capabilities, it eventually became so popular that, even though the product itself never diminished, it became corporate, boring, and stale.”

Although considered extremely old for a social website, the death came as a shock to many who grew up with the program.

Simon Ashby, a fourth-year history student at the U of O, said the loss marks the end of an era and of his adolescence.

“I found out about its passing the other day after a party,” he said. “Out of habit, I checked Facebook the next morning for highlights, but all the pictures and videos of the night were instead posted on Instagram and the best moments were relived on Twitter. On Facebook, all I found was a dark void of lame advertisements aimed at the younger generation and posts by my parents and little brother.”

Kate Davis, a fourth–year international development student, said she wants to focus on Facebook’s glory days rather than the dark days near the end.

“I remember Facebook at its prime, with everybody posting their wildest and most intimate parts of their life,” she said. “Once upon a time after meeting someone new, the first thing I wanted to do was go home and add them on Facebook. There was just this feeling that you could go to it and have every aspect of your social life covered.”

“It was tough to see it near the end,” said Ashby. “Barely anyone was visiting, and everyone was scared to post anything real on it out of fear that future employers, the government, or their mom were going to see it. The last couple years were tough. The only stuff my friends posted on it were things they’d be comfortable saying during a job interview.”

The Fulcrum believes Facebook has at least now found peace, joining its fallen predecessors MySpace, MSN Messenger, and Yahoo.

Facebook is survived by its loving and neurotic owners, its dwindling stock prices, and its creepy new face-recognition technology.

“All we have to decide is what
to do with the time that is
given us.” —Gandalf the Grey