The Tomato

The department of global affairs decided to ban cardboard cut-outs of Justin Trudeau. Photo: CC, Presidencia de la República Mexicana and GravisZro.
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Diplomatic incidents and lack of government efficiency figured heavily into decision

The government of Canada has landed itself in hot water for making liberal use of cardboard cut-outs of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

After concerns about how the cut-outs were being used in diplomatic settings, the department of global affairs banned them. But writers at the Tomato knew that this wasn’t the whole story, and set out to find the whole truth.

Several sources close to the prime minister said that when Trudeau was just a member of Parliament he saw a cardboard cut-out of Justin Bieber at an HMV and got severely jealous.

“He promptly ordered 1,000 of them for when his career took off,” said a source who wished to remain anonymous. “Oh my husb… I mean that guy!”

Many think banning the cut-outs was a mistake in the first place.

“Instead of having to install our prime minister at all these boring events, we could just have a cutout stand quietly by,” said Gertrude Phillips, an analyst at global affairs. “What better way to project the image of the reserved, polite Canadian than that?”

Philips continued to spill the beans on how these cutouts factored into the government’s plans for international diplomacy.

“Remember that big visit with Trump? Yup, that was just a flimsy, two-dimensional facsimile of a human … and a cardboard copy of Trudeau was there as well.”

According to sources, the cut-outs also gave Trudeau time to focus on the important parts of his life.

“Having the cardboard Trudeaus attend events really freed up his time,” said another anonymous staffer. “He was able to better serve our country by keeping up his boxing regimen and personally buying his hair products.”

But sometimes the cut-outs may have actually worked too well.

“One of the cardboard copies actually got kidnapped in Malaysia,” said Tom Hills, a director at global affairs. “We weren’t sure what to do, so we paid the ransom in Monopoly money.”

Others are saying the cut-outs resulted in all kinds of misunderstandings.

“All those photos of Trudeau on the Aga Khan’s private island were actually just the cardboard versions,” said Shawn Collins, a government spokesperson. “What a prankster that Aga Khan is!”

Another anonymous staffer said that the presence of the cutouts has been a real drag on government efficiency.

“The prime minister would stare at his cardboard copies for hours and just say ‘Wow, I’m hot,’” they said. “We thought we solved this problem when we destroyed all the mirrors on Parliament Hill, but that just brought our party a lot of bad luck.”

To help clear things up, the Tomato managed to get an interview with Trudeau. Suspiciously, the prime minister declined to make any comment, movement, or even blink. The ruse was shattered soon after, when a gust of wind blew him over.

After weeks of public inquiry, Trudeau finally made a public statement on the issue.

“It was me who made the decision to get rid of them. It just didn’t feel right owning so many cardboard copies of myself,” he said in a statement to the press on Monday. “I guess I just wasn’t cut out for it.”