The Tomato

“Ah shit; esti de tabarnak,” Graham was heard saying as he frantically refreshed his uoZone page. Photo: Jacob Hoytema.
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David Graham will have to make up coursework with an extra year on staff

Reports indicate that, due to clerical oversight or personal negligence, vice-president academic and university provost David Graham is one half-credit short of the requirements to retire this spring.

Graham had announced his retirement several weeks ago, but now that will all have to be set back a full year because of one measly half-credit.

“Ah shit; esti de tabarnak,” Graham was heard saying as he frantically refreshed his uoZone page, praying it would show a different result, his moustache bristling with despair.

According to a Tomato investigation, Graham wishes he hadn’t waited until the last minute to check up on this stuff, and regrets not paying more attention to prerequisites during his (admittedly wilder and more carefree) freshman years on campus.

The setback also puts Graham in danger of embarrassment from his colleagues, who will all have moved on by that point, leaving only him behind in the throes of campus life.

“Having to do a victory lap? That’s rough,” a friend of Graham’s with knowledge of the situation told the Tomato. “At least we’ll be able to come visit him at our old stompin’ grounds whenever (myself or other retirees) come back to visit Ottawa.”

Eyewitnesses saw Graham hurriedly taking a Lyft to the registrar’s office at 6 a.m. and waiting for staff to arrive so he could beg them for an exception.

“Please, I need this! Il me faut, il me faut,” Graham was heard wailing at that still-dark hour, his forehead pressed against the office window. This passed for two-and-a-half hours until the registrar arrived and let the visibly-upset Graham into her office. Witnesses say the meeting lasted about two minutes and only confirmed the sad news that Graham had himself discovered earlier.

Sources say that Graham will now have to find new roommates for the 2019-20 academic year, as his current ones will be retiring without him this spring. He made a Facebook post proclaiming as much last week, but the post only garnered two “likes,” one “sad” react, and no comments. Graham is reportedly considering making a post to Craigslist.

Seeing as a full year doing only one half-credit will give him a lot of spare time, sources say Graham has been shipping his resume around for a part-time job, and has landed an interview for the position of vice president, bagels at the Learning Crossroads building Tim Hortons.

Experts also anticipate an extended period of awkwardness, as Graham will have to make friends with a new class of younger administrators several years below him and who have probably already known each other a long time.

Graham’s wife could not be reached for comment, but sources with knowledge of the matter state that she still intends to have a blast at Osheaga this summer even if the “no-longer-retiring David” will be unavailable to join her.