Maclaine Chadwick | Sports Editor
TO SOME FANS, it’s as important as naming their first-born child. The return of the Canadian Football League (CFL) to Ottawa has fans brainstorming and tweeting about what to name their upcoming football team, due to start playing in the revamped Frank Clair Stadium in 2014. Rough Riders is out, as is Roughriders, and so is Riders—basically, anything that sounds like the name of the Saskatchewan franchise isn’t allowed back in Ottawa as a condition of the CFL returning. Some ideas have been tossed around to replace Rough Riders and Renegades—the Highlanders and the Bootleggers, to name a few. Even though the “Name the Team” campaign created by the Ottawa Sports and Entertainment Group hasn’t kicked off just yet (keep an eye out for it soon, though), here at the Fulcrum we thought of some Ottawa-isms that we think should be contenders for the CFL team. To clarify, only some of these are serious. And by some, I mean none.
First, it was the Rough Riders who played in Ottawa from 1876 until 1996, then after a break, the Renegade name took over for four years. They say the third time’s the charm, so let’s drive the point home with this name. I’m picturing halftime entertainment to be “The Charmers,” a crooning barbershop quartet headed by Rick Astley.
Imagine the smell of Beavertails and hot chocolate wafting through the new stands of the Frank Clair Stadium instead of the tired old pizza and beer. Imagine the insanity when the team gets a touchdown and tiny Beavertails are sling-shot into the salivating crowd. Imagine the skyrocketing cholesterol rates of Ottawa’s children.
Ottawans went nuts over the news of the sinkhole on Highway 174 this summer. If it doesn’t stand a chance as the team name, maybe coaches can develop a play called “the sinkhole” in which the ball suddenly disappears from the field.
The Rough Winters
Brace yourselves, cheesiness is headed your way. Hopefully you enjoy Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby”, because that song will be played after every touchdown, field goal, tackle, and completed pass. We may not be knee-deep in snow by the time the Grey Cup is placed in our arms (positive thinking, people!) but we may as well bring some Ottawa Valley chill to the games and freeze out the competition.
The Angry Pages
This may come as a surprise, but an assortment of B-List celebrities once called Ottawa home. Team mascots could include Tom Cruise (Let’s face it, he’s dropped down a notch), Dan Aykroyd, and Tom Green. Pair up Bryan Adams and Alanis Morissette to sing the anthem and we’re good to go.
Got any funny ideas for the name of Ottawa’s next CFL team? Share them by commenting on this article!