The Tomato

The world is in shock and financial markets are going crazy after historic SFUO vote. Photo: CC, Katrina Tuliao, SFUO. Edits: Jaclyn McRae-Sadik.
Reading Time: 2 minutes

One word change in job title sends markets over the edge, shocks students

The world is in shock after a devastating vote, and financial markets are going crazy. Some pundits are speculating that the planet may not recover.

This kind of trepidation comes, of course, after the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa’s (SFUO) recent Board of Administration (BOA) meeting.

“I’m absolutely shocked at the outcome,” said Peter Ellis, a political science professor at the U of O. “The implications of this meeting could be felt for a very long time. People everywhere should buckle up.”

After a tense build-up, the BOA reached a stunning conclusion when members of the board voted to change the official title of the vice-president social life to vice-president social affairs.

“I was up until three in the morning checking the Tomato’s live-tweet of the BOA meeting,” said Abraham Wright, a third-year political science student. “I couldn’t believe the vote was going that way, but I just couldn’t stop hitting refresh.”

The SFUO’s vice-president communications, Crancesco Faruso, tried to assure the U of O student body that everything would be fine.

“It was a tumultuous vote to be sure, and I’m not thrilled with the result, but I’m confident that we can all move forward in a positive way,” he said.

Ellis said that foreign investors have been watching this vote carefully, and are currently in a state of panic.

“I haven’t seen the market drop this low since 2008, it’s crazy,” he said. “The world just hasn’t figured out how to process the ever-changing landscape of student politics.”

The change in title confers absolutely no responsibilities, and will have no effect on the business of the SFUO.

In a strange twist, the vote to change the title passed despite the fact that 60 per cent of board members were against it.

The current system involves taking the average age of the board members and dividing it by seven. Then that number of board members are selected randomly to vote. That is, unless the vote takes place in January, in which case the average age is divided by five.

“Yeah, we recognize that the system is somewhat counterintuitive, so we’re working to educate people on how the system works, and open up a pathway to fixing it,” said Faruso. “You know, like any reasonable governing body would do.”

Despite the convoluted system, Ellis says that the world was taken completely by surprise by the results of this vote.

“The world’s top polling agencies have been crawling around the U of O campus for weeks, trying to figure out the board’s voting preferences,” he said. “It turns out they were all wrong. I guess the BOA members’ hot dog preferences weren’t valid survey questions.”

Ellis said he expects that as the reality of the change in title sets in, world markets will begin to stabilize.

“After an initial adjustment period, I think people will come to accept the situations, and our allied student unions will work well with us.”

“It’s been a crazy few hours,” said Wright, “but at least we still have North American democratic processes to look up to, right?”