The Tomato

Image: CC, Jeangagnon, Mike Mozart edits by: Christine Wang.
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Symptoms include long periods of time spent in library

An epidemic is once again plaguing the University of Ottawa, and students across campus who have contracted the virus have been seen struggling to cope. A mass panic has begun, with the virus affecting more students than ever this year, and there does not seem to be any hope of a cure in the near future.

Side-effects of the virus include uncontrollable shaking, crying, insomnia, and an unhealthy addiction to the library. These side effects are becoming increasingly more common as the semester continues, and many students have lost all hope of their lives returning to their natural, healthy state. Morisset library has never seen so much late-night activity as the students desperately sprint to try and get the one last seat available.

Last week, second-year history student Terry Harrison was hospitalized after a misunderstanding over an empty table at the library turned violent. Harrison was already deeply infected with the midterm plague and attempting to alleviate her symptoms by burying her nose in a textbook, when another student walked in and pulled the chair from under Harrison.

Eventually the situation escalated to the point that Protection Services were called to come break it up. After ensuring Harrison was taken to the hospital, Protection reported that students are now actually hiding chairs in an attempt to guarantee they always have a seat available for them.

This virus is incredibly contagious, and it seems that just the mention of the word ‘midterm’ causes students to spiral. However, the only treatment that has been proven to be somewhat effective is a cup of coffee. Students revive after consuming the caffeinated beverage, although some experts warn about becoming too dependent.

However, this is a temporary solution and is recommended that one cup is consumed at least every three hours as to sedate the effects of this virus. For those lucky students that have been able to avoid contact with this deadly disease, it is recommended that you purchase a coffee maker and stay indoors.

Students may appear to not be affected, but this virus can be deceiving, so take the utmost caution when leaving your apartments and visiting the other students. It is imperative that this virus is stopped and affected students are cleansed of the effects of this epidemic. Be safe, everyone, and be sure to protect yourself.