Dear Di

Dear Di is the Fulcrum foremost expert in sexual relations
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How do I channel my inner boss bitch and take the lead in the bedroom?

Dear Di,

In my past sexual endeavours, I have always prioritized my partner’s pleasure over mine, I would make sure that they always came, even if I didn’t. I was always the ‘submissive’ one and they, the ‘dominant’. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to start taking charge — being more assertive and more dominating to ensure my needs are met. How do I go about that? What steps should I take with future partners?

Boss Bitch in the Making

Dear BBM,

Asserting dominance does not just start in the bedroom, it’s a process. I recommend you begin by making small simple changes to your daily routine as well as your interactions with people. Give yourself time and be patient, growth does not happen overnight! You need to start by rewiring the way you approach certain things. It’s about standing up for what you believe and not letting people walk all over you. Choose to move forward in spite of fear, learn to love yourself unconditionally despite your flaws, take action —  you’re the only one that can make yourself feel confident! Being dominant in bed as a woman doesn’t just mean being on top; you need to know why you’re there and you must be bold about pursuing your pleasure. Be confident in yourself and your abilities, but make sure you establish a clear line of communication with your partner — communication is key! 

Having a dominant personality (in bed) is often misunderstood as being mean or demeaning towards others; which is not the case, taking the lead does not change who you are as a person; it just unlocks a different side of you. You’re essentially connecting with a more powerful and uninhibited side of yourself that always existed and just needed to be released. 

The first step is to find out what your (deepest and darkest) desires are, is to start experimenting with yourself — find what turns you on. The more you know about yourself the better it’ll feel. I would recommend watching Fifty Shades of Grey or 365, this may spark your imagination and give you ideas of what you would like to do with your partner. Yes, it might be a little bizarre at first, but this process is all about finding what feels good for you — accept it!

Remember, earth-shattering sex doesn’t happen without clear communication — your partner is not a mind-reader! So, communicate, let them know what you like and what you want, take the lead, be confident! 

Being dominant in the bedroom does not automatically mean that you need to be kinky, ease into it and when you feel ready, go-ahead, experiment — use vibrators, ropes, handcuffs, whatever makes you feel good!

Just remember to work on yourself first, get to know and love yourself — confidence will follow. Figure out what makes you feel comfortable and communicate with your partner and I assure you, it’ll be the best sexual experience you’ve ever had.