The Tomato

Photo: Marta Kierkus.
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Pivik cuts inventory, chat bot handles administrative duties

After the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) declared that they are cutting multiple positions to stave off bankruptcy, numerous reports began to surface about the warning signs that the executives should have seen.

“In hindsight, I should have realized something was wrong when the vault under the University Centre where we keep all our funds was empty. When your floor to ceiling vault of loonies is empty, something’s usually wrong,” said SFUO finance director Janet Hilroy.

In further attempts to reduce costs, the SFUO announced that inventory at Pivik, an SFUO-run business, will be severely limited to just three packs of ramen and two pitas until September. “I totally understand having to cut costs through Pivik, as long as it means we don’t lose something that’s really important like the Bike Co-op,” said second year business student Jack Links.

“You never know when you’re going to need an emergency tune-up.”

Sources within the SFUO claim that the organization will use a modified version of Microsoft’s Artificial Intelligence chat bot to handle administrative duties throughout the summer, and save money for the organization. In a further attempt to keep costs low the chat bot will keep callers on hold until they hang up, thus saving the fees that would come from actually having to solve a problem.

When asked by the Tomato about the deficit third-year economics student Kate Kessler said “I completely understand why the execs don’t want to deal with   this now even though three of them are coming back next year.  I’ve got three essays due next week, but I’ll worry about it then, that’s not current Kate’s problem.”

Some possible schemes to raise more money for the SFUO’s next budget were apparently brought forward at the last exec meeting, according to an anonymous source.

The source told the Tomato that proposed ideas ran from the plausible, like setting off a fireworks display from the top of the Desmarais building and charging ticket fees, to the truly ridiculous, such as ensuring that SFUO fees are adjusted for annual inflation.

“Rest assured we laughed them out of the room for suggesting that idea. I mean come on, adjusting for inflation. Who would think of doing that?”