The Tomato

Due to its current cash flow problem, the SFUO was forced to stop using its private jet. Photo: CC, pixabay.com

Fireworks, clubs, sponsorships all part of student federation’s plan to save cash

After narrowly avoiding bankruptcy by firing most of its summer workforce, the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) has decided that, when it comes to cutting costs, it’s time to bring out the big guns.

“We recognize that times are tough, and we need to adjust,” said Crancesco Faruso, SFUO vice-president of communications. “After a lengthy discussion at our last Board of Administration meeting, we decided that members of the executive will no longer be permitted to use the private jet to fly home after meetings.”

“Not only that, but the amount granted to executives for taxi chits will be reduced to a mere $1,000 per month.”

Faruso also announced that, after a heated debate, the student executive has decided to decommission the life-sized marble statues of past SFUO presidents.

“I really think they would have livened up the University Centre, or distracted people from the cranes all over campus, but we all have to make sacrifices,” he said.

But the coup de grâce came when the SFUO offloaded some familiar flammables.

These past two years, everyone thought that the SFUO had simply bought store credit to be redeemed for $10,000 worth of fireworks—not so, said Faruso.

“We kept all the fireworks on campus the whole time, right under the SFUO offices,” he said. “Say what you will, it kept us on our toes!”

However, when the fireworks started to degrade, the SFUO was forced to turn to more informal channels to make the sale. The crates full of fireworks were exchanged for 12 Italian sausages in a barter transaction with the hot dog guy on Laurier.

“And people said we couldn’t negotiate,” Faruso laughed.

Perhaps the most hard-hit by the cuts will be members of clubs. Recently, the SFUO announced that it will not have enough money to subsidize on-campus clubs. But after learning that this would still not solve their money problems, the SFUO was forced to take things a step further.

“Unfortunately, due to a cash flow shortage we will now be charging the clubs $500 per semester to exist,” said Faruso. “We have just hired some very personable thugs to streamline the collections process.”

In a Facebook post the SFUO wrote that, to ensure compliance with this fee, these thugs will actually be carrying clubs.

The cuts will also affect the SFUO’s social budget.

“To help pay for 101 Week, we’ve had to make some significant sponsorship deals,” said Subway Wess, the SFUO’s vice-president social.

Wess said that, while a headliner for Fedstock has yet to be booked, the opening act will be a Staples sales representative giving a riveting 15-minute pitch to the crowd.

“I think this could actually become a staple in future events as well,” he said.

In lieu of a fireworks display, each of the six members of the SFUO executive will light off a single sparkler to mark the end of the festivities—an activity that doesn’t require a permit from the fire station.

Faruso was asked if executive salaries would be affected by the cuts. “No,” he laughed, “That would be ridiculous!”