The Tomato

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New evidence reveals secret society is behind all campus calamities

Photo by Marta Kierkus

The Tomato has recently obtained secret documents that reveal a secret organization is behind all of the University of Ottawa’s faults.

As previously reported by the Tomato, the sixth pillar at Tabaret Hall is home to an elite and exclusive club named the Sixth Pillar Society. This society has been around for more than a century, but was only brought to the public’s attention after an investigation in March.

The great mystery that remains is what the club actually does.

After countless sleepless nights investigating the society, there was a breakthrough. While rooting through the basement of Thompson Residence, the Tomato discovered boxes upon boxes of floppy disks marked “6th p — not at all secret and important information.”

It appears that the society keeps all their plans on pieces of obsolete technology because one of its members, Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek, doesn’t like the Internet.

The disks were useless until an ancient computer running Windows 95 was found in an obscure corner of Morisset Library. After the computer froze six times, the floppy disks were finally ready to be accessed.

What was found on those disks was nothing short of extraordinary.

The Sixth Pillar Society is behind every single frustrating thing about the U of O’s campus. There were the original plans for Morisset Library, designed by the society on purpose “to be a confusing house of terrors to navigate.” The lack of green space on campus goes back to the days of former prime minister William Lyon Mackenzie King, who felt “trees kept out spirits.”

The society is behind the subpar quality of food on campus, the ungodly lineups for coffee, Webmail — the former barbaric email software for the university — and even Rabaska.

The society’s crown jewel is the Jock Turcot University Centre’s Alumni Auditorium. According to the notes of former member Pierre Elliott Trudeau, the goals were to design “the least enjoyable place to have a lecture or special presentation” and ensure that all students who utilized it “would surely need to see a chiropractor afterwards.”

Another one of their grandest creations was the tunnel connecting every building from Tabaret Hall to the School of Information Technology and Engineering building (SITE), taking away the need to walk outside in the cold Ottawa winter. The society decided to leave the majority of this tunnel only accessible to its members, but left a small and somewhat pointless portion open to students from SITE to Marion Hall.

But not everything the society has done is evil. Some of the other floppy disks revealed that the Sixth Pillar Society created many of the U of O’s highlights. In fact, the green wall in the Faculty of Social Sciences building was actually Drake’s idea. Even the hot dog guy outside of Tabaret Hall is a member of the society.

There is still much to be learned about the Sixth Pillar Society, as a sheet of paper found among the cache of floppy disks suggested there are many more collections of data found in redundant pieces of technology all across campus. But one thing remains certain: the greater population will no longer remain ignorant to this ancient society.

The Tomato is the Fulcrum’s satirical news page within the opinions section. These articles are meant to satirize an issue in our community or nation. They are not to be taken seriously; however, you should consider them in relation to your other news sources.