The Tomato

Complaints from residents cause city to take drastic measure

Illustration by Tina Wallace

Ottawa’s city council has voted unanimously to relocate the entire Sandy Hill community.

“Last September, we received the usual complaints from Sandy Hill residents,” said Mayor Jim Wadson. “These include grievances that University of Ottawa students are too noisy and their parties are out of control. To address these recurring issues, we struck a committee to see what could be done to end these problems once and for all.”

After months of therapeutic student bashing, the committee, composed of police officers, bylaw officers, and Sandy Hill residents who want to get a decent night’s sleep, identified the real source of the problems.

“Some people think that students are too loud or their parties are too wild,” said committee member Jane Doh.  “We realized the real issue is that Sandy Hill is located too close to the University of Ottawa. If we didn’t live so close to the university, we wouldn’t have these problems.”

After intense negotiations with the City of Ottawa, it was finally decided that Sandy Hill would be relocated to Borehaven.

“There’s not much out here but space,” said Borehaven Councillor Jan Hardy.  “Sandy Hill is welcome to use it.”

Doh said the Sandy Hill community is “grateful that Borehaven has found space for us.”

“Some people think Borehaven is really boring,” said Doh. “Well, I hope so.”

Kanata was initially approached to adopt the Sandy Hill community, but wouldn’t cooperate.

“We pretty much live for Sens game parties out here,” said one Kanata resident. “And we don’t want a bunch of whiners spoiling our fun.”

Orleans also refused to take in Sandy Hill.

“That’s just because they don’t want to share the future LRT with anyone else,” said Rideau-Vanier councillor Matthew Fleured, who is pleased that the Sandy Hill headache will be moving to another riding.

Ottawa South was considered a strong candidate for the relocation project until Sandy Hill residents realized they would be part of the Dalton McGuinty riding.

Westboro flatly rejected Sandy Hill.

“We felt it would upset our karmic balance,” said one soybean chai latte drinker in Westboro. “Plus those Sandy Hillers don’t seem like the type to pull off the yoga pants look.”