The Tomato

Image: Tomato/Kai Holub.
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Mass exodus of Ottawa region projected (by O of U freshman who wants to skate)

An afternoon trip to the canal has become a staple of many Ottawans’ winters. The canal’s failure to freeze this year has left some concerned for the future of the beloved tradition.

A first-year student at the O of U is convinced that thousands are planning to depart the “city fun forgot.” He bases his assertion on the Rideau Canal’s failure to freeze over, which has deprived the city of what he considers to be its only claim to fame.

The Tomato spoke with Kyle Schmidt, a disillusioned (and arguably delusional) O of U freshman student, who shared: “I was sold a dream of skating from one end of the campus to the other — the brochure specifically said I could do that.”

Smelling vaguely of weed, he continued: “I’ll have to trudge through the snow? Walking? Instead of skating? Bullshit. This was supposed to be a magical city where you can skate anywhere and everywhere — or at least I had a dream about that once. What was the point of coming to this godforsaken hellhole? Everyone’s getting out of here, bro. No one’s gonna stay here — trust me.”

When asked if he felt he had been misled by the brochures, he became distracted by a cloud, before responding, “It would be so cool if you could just skate from class to class, and into your lecture halls, and to get coffee — basically, I just want to skate everywhere and I think it’s really dumb that we can’t. Oh, and my communications classes are going really well, thanks for asking. See you around!”

Kyle then proceeded to walk into a wall.