JUST ONE MORE MONSTER… JUST ONE MORE…
The Fulcrum found Joel Loughin, 3rd year Environmental Sciences major, half asleep on the fifth floor of FSS. When the Fulcrum asked how he was adapting midterm season, he muttered to himself that he just needed to “lock in.”
For University of Ottawa students, this midterm season appears to be especially difficult, with reports of madness, hallucinations, and insane ways that students have been trying to ‘lock in.’
Annalise Cutter, a second-year Political Science Student has spent a cumulative 46 hours in FSS in the past week, with the other two hours of hers being spent running to and from 3 Brothers near campus. She is worried about the effect this studying is having on her.
“I was studying in FSS a couple nights ago, and I must have been so hungry and exhausted, because I swear to God that I hallucinated that Mark Carney came up to me and started asking what I was working on.”
“I saw a guy surrounded by Red Bull cans” said Kyle Heifer, a second-year Human Kinetics student, “he finished what was probably his 80th can, and he tossed it on the pile and it crushed him. He’s dead now.” The Fulcrum has been unable to confirm this story and it should be noted Heifer himself was found in what could best be described as a nest made of Red Bull cans.
The University of Ottawa Student Union told us that demand for energy drinks at PiViK had risen by over 670 per cent since reading week.
Even the Fulcrum has been affected. Students have reported spotting a man on the third floor of the Fulcrum offices wandering the hallways, with the eerie howls of ‘Lock in!’ echoing through King Edward street. Piles of cigarette butts and energy drink cans have been found throughout the building as well.
“It’s a nightmare in there” Paul Masratti, a University of Ottawa sanitation worker, “I’ve told my guys to look out for the ‘lock in’ guy as well, he gave me a scare a couple of nights ago.”
“If a student feels like they are overwhelmed by the midterm season, or struggling to balance their academics, personal lives, jobs, and extracurricular activities,” The University of Ottawa told the Fulcrum in a statement “they should drop out, if you think this is hard you’re NGMI [sic]. Not our problem; we already made our money :)”
