Sometimes you’re your own worst enemy
Dear Di,
I think I’m my own worst enemy. I met this cute girl at a party a couple of months ago, and we immediately hit it off. We met up for brunch the morning after, and we’ve been going out ever since. Same sense of humour, fun dates, and we can talk for hours about anything.
My problem is that I haven’t dated someone in a while. My last relationship was very toxic, full of miscommunication, and kind of ruined my self-image. I’ve got a good thing going, but I can’t help but feel the urge to cut it off before we implode on ourselves (even though nothing has happened)! How do I let a good thing just…be good?
— Certified Sabotager
Dear C.S.,
It can be tough not to self-sabotage, even if you want this relationship to go very well. You might not even notice you’re doing it — it might show up in small ways like constant comparison to your partner’s former relationships or maybe not being fully vulnerable with your partner.
The important thing about self-sabotage, though, is that it usually comes from a place of fear. Fear of change, fear of success (that’s a thing!), fear of loss…these can all de-motivate you from making progress and changing. But just because you’ve experienced a bad relationship doesn’t mean you should doom yourself forever. You’re more than worthy of having a healthy relationship, even if your brain tells you otherwise.
It’s easy as an all-knowing columnist to suggest that you should talk to your partner…but really, talk to your partner. Talking about your past relationship doesn’t have to be scary, because you’re trying to address issues that might affect your current one. Besides, they might have experienced hard things in their life that they want to get off their chest too.
Opening up about your insecurities and relationship pain to each other is the hard, but mature part of relationships. But remember, you’re bringing these things up because you care about this person and you want it to last. And if they do too, they won’t shame or insult you for it. Instead, you’ll work together to meet each other’s needs!
Keep that chin up,
Di
