Dear Ty

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Dear Di,

My girlfriend is a fake and bake addict. Recently we were doing it doggy style and I noticed something: She has three white spots developing on her body, one on each of her shoulder blades and one on her tailbone. They’re not raised or anything like normal moles would be, but I’m still concerned. How do I bring this up with my woman without sending her into panic mode about her potentially cancerous marks?

—Melanoma Ain’t Sexy

Dear MAS,
I’m happy to say that those big white marks are likely not melanoma, but perfectly harmless pressure points. If your lady love favours a lay-down bed-style tanning booth, then concentrated pressure is being placed on her shoulder blades and butt cheeks every time she tans.

Due to the lack of blood flow to the areas which are pressed up against the plastic inside the bed, these spots are unable to tan, and thus look a heck of a lot more white than the rest of her bronzed bod.

Though you can rest easy about these particular pale patches, it is a good idea to keep an eye on any irregular marks or discoloured patches on your peach’s skin. If any new moles or mole-like spots sneak up, then send thy lady to a doctor, STAT!


Dear Di,

I am a civilized lady. I dress professionally, I cross my legs at the ankle, and I don’t talk with my mouth full. Still, I find myself currently discontented with the fact that my partner refuses to come on my face after I fellate him. He seems convinced that only unladylike women subject themselves to such things, but I enjoy a bit of dirty fun and I am desperate for him to join in. What shall I do?

—Take Aim at My Eye

Dear TAME,
It seems your man is suffering from the misconception that a well-mannered miss can’t be a come-loving kink queen behind closed doors. Big mistake!

Outward appearance and public presentation have nothing to do with an individual’s in-bed personality. Many a tattooed trollop have been known to be tamer than a pedigree poodle in the bedroom, while prim and proper office workers can open up in ways you would never imagine when they’re alone with their lovers. The bottom line is, who you are out in the world has nothing to do with your sexual style.

It seems to me your boyfriend appreciates your ladylike demeanour more than you know. More likely than not, he is scared that using your face as a post-fellatio target will damage his ability to adore your sweet and civil style outside of your private penis parties together.

If you really want your boyfriend to blow his load all over your face and hair, I think you need to sit him down and tell him, in no uncertain terms, what you want. Explain to him you’re a woman, not an embodiment of the virgin-whore complex, and you need him to see you as such. Show your man civilized can be sexy, and that one woman can be both the lady and the tramp.


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