Dear Ty

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Dear Di,
My friend and I write a role-play story together and things can get pretty hot between my character and hers. The more our characters have sex, the more I want to get it on with her. We live in different cities and she’s told me she doesn’t do long distance, so I know a relationship isn’t in the cards, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Is there any way I can focus more on someone in the here-and-now and get out of this fantasy?
—Want to Play For Real

Dear WPFR,
I have a sneaking suspicion you know exactly what to do to get over this girl, but if you need me to spell it out for you, I will: Stop writing sexy stories with her. If you want to move on to more local ladies and your desire for your long-distance darling stems from the steamy scenes you pen together, you have no other option but to call it quits.
I suggest you tell your crush the true reason why you’re cutting creative ties with her. Assure her that you’re stopping not because she’s a rotten role-play writer, but because you’ve enjoyed your collaborations a little too much. Your amour will appreciate your honesty and may even surprise you by admitting a little mutual attraction.
If she doesn’t share your feelings, I encourage you to search for Ottawa-area storytellers. I’m certain you’ll find a more conveniently-located lady who would love to get a little literary with you.


Dear Di,
I am newly married and I really enjoy hand jobs and blow jobs; however, my wife never performs them. The few times she’s ever gone down on me or used her hands have ended very quickly. I asked her to try again but she refuses.
—Like It, Can’t Have It

Boy, oh, boy. You do have quite the problem on your hands, don’t you?
There could be several different issues at play in preventing your wife from getting her paws on your privates. Perhaps her reluctance to reach for your rod stems from her own feelings of insecurity in the bedroom. She may be uncomfortable with her sexuality or is scared that she sucks at, well, sucking. If this is the case, you’ll have to convince your cutie that her moves are mind-blowing. Tell her—and show her—how horny she makes you. Your enthusiasm may encourage your wife to engage more with your engorged penis.


There’s also the possibility that the blame lies with you. Have you ever offered to orally or manually return the favour? Maybe your sweetheart is sick and tired of slurping and stroking your sausage without receiving a little clitoral care in exchange.


It’s my unlucky duty to inform you that there’s also a chance your spouse just genuinely dislikes giving head and hand. If so, the two of you will have to work to find different ways to spice things up in the sack.
Regardless of the reason why your lady refuses to get up close and personal with your penis, the pair of you need to do some serious talking. If you can’t find a happy medium together, consider hashing it out with a third party by making an appointment with a sex therapist.