Dear Di,
I’m a woman and I love having sex. But sometimes I find it’s hard to admit that fact to other people, because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m a slut. Why is it okay for men to proclaim their love of sex, but not for women?
-My Fair Lady
Dear MFL,
I hear you, Lady! Unfortunately, we live in a society that puts a heavy emphasis on how “good girls” should behave. This usually doesn’t include deriving pleasure from sex, but rather giving pleasure to a partner.
Growing up girls are taught to fear the consequences of sex and that if we don’t act like proper ladies men will use us, get us pregnant, and our peers will ostracize us as a result.
This mentality becomes rather damaging to younger girls’ sexual development. We learn to push sexual desire away and feel ashamed when we’re the ones who want to get down and dirty. And as we grow older, we continue to deny ourselves pleasure and settle for mediocre sex because we’re unable to express our own desires out of fear of sounding “improper”.
The thing is Lady, you’re definitely not alone. A lot of women love sex but are similarly hesitant to vocalize it.
In fact, a study from Ohio State University found that women’s sexual patterns are more similar to men’s than we thought.
Despite these results, women tended to answer surveys dishonestly in order to portray themselves as being more socially desirable.
For example, women who believed that their answers might be published reported an average of only 2.6 sexual partners in a lifetime. However, the number jumped to an average of 4.4 partners when the thought they were attached to a lie detector test.
But, at the end of the day, who cares. Ladies, let’s embrace our love of sex, masturbation, and all things freaky, and create a world where women don’t need to feel ashamed of what feels good.
Leave the disapproving looks and judgmental stares to the local knitting circle.
Love,
Di
Dear Di,
After a driving accident a few months ago I’ve been saddled with a serious spinal cord injury. Now I’ve been confined to a wheelchair and have no feeling in my lower body. Will I still be able to engage in sex? How will my sex life change?
-Poppa Wheelie
Dear PW,
I’m sorry to hear about your accident. To answer your question, you will most definitely be able to engage in sex! Remember that intimacy involves so much more than just vaginal or anal intercourse.
It comes down to re-exploring your body and finding new and exciting ways to engage in sexual activity. Many people report feeling elevated levels of sensitivity just at the point where they lose sensation. For example, other parts of your body such as your lips, neck, earlobes, and nipples may have become more sensitive to sexual pleasure in the absence of any sensation down below.
When it comes to getting into bed, your partner can assist you, or you can even ask a third party (either a friend or a local sex therapist) to help you step up the logistics of your next lovemaking session. There is nothing wrong with a lack of spontaneity since sex, regardless of disability, should involve a high level of communication and planning.
I feel a little hesitant to comment on the best way to use your equipment, since some men with spinal cord injuries will continue to have erections while others don’t (the same varying range of sensations applies to paraplegic women as well).
But suffice it to say even if an erection is not possible in your current state there is still fun to be had, since oral sex can also be extremely pleasurable for both men and women with a disability.
At the end of the day, it shouldn’t make a difference if you’re in a wheelchair—communicating with our partners, understanding our own expectations, and dealing with any anxieties that may arise during sex are all important components of making our sexual activities more pleasurable in general.
Love,
Di
Got chronic back pain, ladies? Here are some tips to help you work that to your advantage.
1. Get on your elbows when engaging in doggy style. This will keep your back in a neutral position while allowing for some forward flexion.
2. Stay on a steady diet of missionary. It may sound like a yawn, but it’s great for your back!
3. Avoid spooning after sex, as it studies show that it is worse for your back.
