I have an embarrassing problem. A few months ago I spilled some chili on myself, and, well, I liked it. The feeling of the warm liquid seeping through my pants and the weight of the beans on my lap really got me turned on… and now I can’t turn off this habit. Whenever I masturbate I always come way better if there’s some sort of food involved. Problem is, I’m way too embarrassed to tell anybody, let alone this guy I’ve just started seeing. We haven’t had sex yet and I’m afraid of what will happen (or won’t happen on my end) if we were to just have normal sex without food around. I wish I had never found this out about myself. What should I do, Di?
—Done like Dinner
What’s there to be embarrassed about? Food satisfies one of our most basic needs: it gives us nourishment! It’s a bit taboo, since you don’t normally see people having sex on restaurant tables. Food is full of amazing flavours, textures, and temperatures—and can lead to some pretty incredible sensations. Being turned on by food isn’t weird at all!
Since you’re able to come without involving food, I wouldn’t be too worried if you’re making love to your new fellow and there isn’t a steak in sight—I’m sure you’ll finish off just fine, plus you can always picture a pile of pancakes with some maple syrup dripping down the edges if you need a little extra oomph to orgasm.
If there is food around, ask if your partner’s interested in incorporating it. It’s a tame request, and as long as you promise to shower off with him if things get messy, I’m confident that you won’t get turned down.
There are so many ways you can incorporate food into love-making. From sucking on a popsicle before sucking on his penis, having him eat fresh fruit off your chest, or painting each other with chocolate sauce only to lick it off, there are plenty of ways to be creative and sexy. You just discovered this turn-on, so chances are it’s at its peak right now—after a few months the novelty will likely wear off a bit, and you’ll be able to enjoy sex however you like it best, without feeling that you need food to cum.
Don’t be embarrassed—no one said dinner was the only time to indulge in your favourite foods.
I want to give really, really, really good cunnilingus. I want to be known as Master of the Muff, Tongue-Twister Tom, or at least “guy who’s really good at giving head.” Problem is, I’m not 100 per cent positive where the clitoris is (don’t judge, it’s just hard to find that little bugger sometimes. It’s between the lips, near the top, right?), I don’t know whether girls prefer if I put my tongue inside them or if I just lick the general area, and I’m not sure what to do with my hands when my face is there.
I love women’s vaginas, and normally at the beginning of relationships they’re pretty excited when I tell them how enthusiastic I am about licking the puss. I’ve noticed a shitty trend though. After a few sessions that include my lips on their lady bits, the girls are uninterested in me going down on them and insist we just have sex instead. I know that’s not normal, right, Di?
My question is, how can I practise the act before my next encounter? I want to be so good that the next girl is begging me to worship her pussy all night long.
—Master of the Muff
I always love to hear from a vagina fan! It’s also refreshing to hear from someone who’s eager to learn and doesn’t automatically assume that he/she is the best thing to happen to humankind since the invention of lubricated condoms.
I do have to burst your bubble, though, because your next encounter probably won’t be as earth-shattering for the next lady as you hope. It’s hard to practise licking a vagina without actually having a vagina in front of your face to lick. I’m not going to suggest cutting a peach in half or practising on the inside of your hand, because neither of those apparatuses will give you the kind of feedback you need to improve.
Here’s what I suggest: Get yourself to a bookstore or library and pick up a book on the art of pleasing a female. I highly, highly recommend Neale Sourna’s CuntSinger—Cunnilingus: How to Give Head (Oral Sex and Eating Pussy), for Giving Women Orgasms of Cuntlicious Joy! Despite the ridiculous title, the book actually has plenty of solid advice, and even includes a legit picture of a vagina with the clit circled in red. (You’re right though, it’s near the top between the lips. Good on ya, bud.) Google Books lets you see a decent number of pages in its preview, so if you’re too lazy to get to the library, give that a go. It’ll give you all the technical advice you need, including what to do with your hands and how to move your tongue.
Once you’ve read up on the theory, it’s time to put your new skills to the test. Find a willing participant, and this time, communicate! It isn’t enough to tell a woman that you love the vaj and then go down on her without getting any feedback. While it’s great to pay attention to her moans, the way her body moves, and the quickening and shortening of her breath, also ask her to tell and show you what she likes! Not every girl will be the same—although you’ll probably be able to find techniques that are successful across the board, like swirling the flat side of your tongue around her love button—so by asking your next partner what floats her boat, you’re much more likely to succeed in making her quiver.
Finally, don’t get discouraged. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Plenty of us will appreciate it. Good lick. I mean good luck.